Jake?

No, he's fake

Shame

Andre?

Boring

Calvin?

Same

Rick the Dick Machine?

What's wrong with Rick the Dick Machine?

I don't think Rick the Dick Machine is actually his name

Cedric?

No

Dante?

No

Jaden?

No

Oh, Cedric?

Again?

Chuck?

No

Drake?

No

Chet?

No

Brad?

No

Rod?

No

Joe?

No

Look at these magnificently underwhelming men...

You have no idea

He shaves his chest

He loves his booze

Ooh, his beard

His shoes, his vibe

His views— He lives in Queens

He rips his jeans

That's way too many neck tattoos

He says he's my soulmate

I'm thinking... he isn't?

Ooh, he's dressed like a wizard

He's holding a lizard?

And not to be judgmental but he's currently in prison

Attention-seeking narcissists who seem to think they're geniuses

And though you never ask, insist on showing you their penises

Insatiable Lotharios

Fellatial scenarios

And overbearing, oversharing, earring-wearing Casanovas

Please, Jesus on high

Don't let her die alone

There must be a decent, available guy somewhere inside this phone

Ooh, what about Cody?

Cody?

Cody could be fun

He's terrible at spelling and he seems to have a gun

He's Scorpio

Scorpio? He's dangerous

So what? He's fascinating

Absolutely not

What about Zachary?

Zachary?

Zachary's okay

Zachary is married with a baby on the way

How did you...

He's lying, his name is really Joe

But how did you—

Don't ask me how I know

Help, God, if you can (Help this poor girl)

No need to be so mean (No need to be so mean)

There must be a vaguely acceptable man (Oh) trapped in this tiny machine (Tiny machine)

What about Rudy?

Careful, Rudy is a shock

It's generous of him to send a photo of his—

Stop!

Admittedly it's—

No!

But you can really see the—

Hey!

It's beautiful

Just take that thing away

What about Justin?

Justin

Justin, sweet Justin, he loves his dog

He's gorgeous, he swiped me too

Ugh, who am I kidding? He is perfect, Justin, he is out of my league

Don't say that! Sure he's big and handsome, but so are you. Although you did message him at 3 a.m. to ask if his—

— dog is single

I know, stupid, drunk Robin

Please, Jesus on high (Trust me, it's fine)

Just give me back my phone (Everything's under control)

There must be a halfway acceptable man (There must a slightly less horrible man)

There must be a clean and convenient man (He must be here somewhere)

There must be a decent available guy

Somewhere in New York

Give me that!