I like it, man

I like Texas

I'm a Republican, so I kinda like it down here

I don't give a shit

I'm all full of oil, okay?

I got no problem with it at all

I say after September Eleventh

I say

Pre-judge everybody

I don't give a shit what your skin color is

If you get on a plane today and the guy sitting behind you has got a pair of

Huggies on his head

Get off the fucking plane

You're gonna die

People go"That makes you a bigot"

No

That makes me a live bigot

Enjoy your flight

Don't forget your dental X-rays, asshole

People call this a racist country

I have to laugh

I went to LaGuardia Airport two weeks after September Eleventh

I'm trying to get through security

I'm being questioned by a guy from Pakistan

What's wrong with this picture?

He looks at me

He goes"Did you pack your bags yourself?"

I'm like"Did YOU pack my bags?"

I'll take Amtrak to Houston

I don't give a shit, Ahmed

They're hassling the wrong people at the airport

Did you notice?

On the way here

I see 'em bustin' this ninety-year-old lady

She's in a wheelchair

She's ninety years old

They're bustin' her balls

I go"Yeah, like she's a threat"

The guy next to me goes"How do you know she's not a threat?""Well, she's got the diaper around her ass, not her head"

I'm so sick of getting undressed in public at the airport

First thing they tell me to do is turn my belt buckle over

If I have a bomb

I mean, am I gonna keep it an inch above my dick?

Check the gay guy behind me

He's got three sticks of dynamite hidden somewhere

I'll give you one guess, okay

I had to take my shoes off for the fifth time this month

Next time I fly, I'm gonna write"Fuck you"

On my Odor-Eaters

I worked in Dallas a month ago

I'm flying to Dallas

Listen to this, folks

A guy gets on the plane

Middle Eastern guy

Looks like the poster boy for terrorism

Sits next to me

What is he reading?

And I shit you not

A pilot flight manual

I just looked at him and go"What chapter you on?""Twenty-three?""You gotta go, man"

I think Muslims are alright

But their religion makes them crazy

They can't eat pork

They can't drink alcohol

They can't have premarital sex

You wonder why they're blowing themselves up at fourteen?

You wanna stop these bombings?

We should be dropping Heinekens, hookers, and baby back ribs in the desert

They're not religious fanatics

They're just hungry, horny, and thirsty

I say we put a Hooters on the Gaza Strip

Give Ahmed a bucket of buffalo wings

And a chick with big tits

Maybe he'll jerk off and pass out behind a sand dune

You can't fight after you jerk off"No, I'm tired, I don't wanna commit jihad""I don't feel good""I'm very tired""Somebody give me a pillow""I'm very sleepy""I don't feel good, no I don't"

I lived in Queens, New York for four years

My whole street was Middle Eastern people

Everybody's walking around in veils and robes and sandals

I saw the Three Wise Men get out of a Range Rover

They're showing Iraq on the news

I go"What a shithole. I could never live there""Wait a minute, that's my car"

I think Bin Laden's a homosexual

I'll tell you why

It says in the Quran"If you die in the name of Allah, you're gonna receive seventy-two virgins"

So why is he hiding?

Apparently, pussy is kryptonite to this guy

If you told me I was gonna see seventy-two virgins when I die

I'd be in the desert

With a bullseye taped to the head of my dick

Everybody's talking about John Ashcroft"Oh, he's gonna monitor stuff we're reading in libraries"

Who gives a shit?

The average American reads at a fifth-grade level

Unless the Taliban's big fans of"Green Eggs and Ham"

You got nothing to worry about

Do you really?

People are more worried about your civil rights being violated

Than the security of this country?

I don't give a shit

Do you?

You know, if the FBI has to, you know

You heard about the guy in Ohio trying to blow up the mall

You heard about this, right?

The FBI busted him

You know how they busted him?

They infringed on a civil fucking right

I'm all right with that, okay?

If the FBI has to illegally tap somebody's phone

To keep fifty thousand pounds of concrete from falling on my neck

While I'm trying khakis on at The Gap

I'm alright with that

I don't want to be blown to bits at Bed, Bath and Beyond

'Cause they couldn't get a search warrant

I saw Dick Cheney on the news today celebrating

His third month without a heart attack

The only vice president you can assassinate

With the word"Boo"

You don't need a gun to kill this guy

You need an air horn

Nachos flying out of his chest

Chunks of pork

I love him

Bush

I'm trying to defend him

I'm a Republican

I like him

But he's not the sharpest guy

But, you know

Everybody's talking about that scene in"Fahrenheit 9/11"

Where he was reading to the children

And they told us we were being attacked

And it took him seven minutes to react

But it makes sense

It's Bush

He probably wanted to find out how the story ended"President, we're under attack""I know, but I want to find out what happened to Dick and Jane""Just hold on a second""It's a hell of a story""I wanna see the end of it"

John Kerry

Ya want a president that looks like Seabiscuit?

That is the longest snout I've ever seen

On a human being in my life

That's why they nominated him

In case it's a close election

He'll win by a nose"John, how many people did ya kill in Vietnam?""Hey, it's Smarty Jones"

This guy got three Purple Hearts in four months

He didn't spend a day in the hospital

What were they shooting at him?

Paper clips?

He'll be easy to assassinate with that head

You could throw a rock from ten miles away

He's a dirty old man

He's got a lot of shit in the closet

You haven't heard about yet

He fucks a lot of women

I'm from Boston

I know