I'm Sorry

No, I never was in Vietnam

I never once dove into an empty swimming pool

I never let the carpet walk right out from under me

I never painted a house or a tree

I never did become an exotic dancer

Or a customer service representative

I never took the pulse of a dying duck

Or gave mouth to mouth resuscitation to a horsefly

In a way I s'pose you could say

My experience is quite limited

For example, I never locked Oliver Cromwell in a broom closet

While singing Waltzing Matilda

I never sawed a television in half

Although I once saw Wendy O'Williams saw a guitar

I never played a decent game of jacks

I never played poker with a toothless one eyed pirate

Who kept picking his teeth with a bowie knife

To distract me while his parrot looked over my shoulder

And told him what cards I had

By using an elaborate code involving

Vomiting, chirping and sea shanties

I never bought a lamp

Wait I did buy a lamp once

But I never bought a lantern or a lambskin prophylactic

I never bought lima beans or lime pudding

I never bought a lion or a Lionel Richie album

I never bought anything beginning with the letter "L"

Except lollipops, lightbulbs and lettuce...and the lamp

I never laid down for a nap

And found the Everly brothers in bed with me

I never let a cyborg take out the garbage

I'm sorry I stole the radio

I did it

I sawed the legs off the periodic table

I re-elected the President

I did it, it was my fault

I farted in the church

I'm sorry I did many many bad things

And I am so sorry