Let's Face the Truth
Comedy
Let's Face the Truth was released on December 3, 2007 by Phil McIntyre Television as a part of the album The Very Best of Ben Elton - Live!
Release DateDecember 3, 2007
LabelPhil McIntyre Television
LanguageEnglish
Melodicness
How much the song possesses a clear and memorable tune that follows well-defined musical patterns. A song high in melodicness generally features clear and memorable instrumental or vocal lines.
Acousticness
A measure of how much a song relies on acoustic instruments (eg. piano, guitar, violin, drums, saxophone) instead of electronic or digitally synthesized
Valence
The musical positivity or emotional tone conveyed through the song's harmonic and rhythmic components. High valence corresponds to feelings of happiness, excitement, and euphoria while low valence is associated with sadness, anger, or melancholy.
Danceability
A combination of factors including tempo stability, rhythmic patterns, and beat emphasis to determine how suitable a song is for dancing. A "danceable" song may feature a consistent tempo, repetitive musical structure, and strong downbeats.
Energy
The perceived intensity of a track which may be influenced by tempo, dynamics, and musical compactness. A high energy song may have a driving rhythm and dense instrumentation while a low energy song can be musically sparse and feature slower tempos.
Lyrics
He's kicked it off. Why has he kicked it off? Well it's not my fucking
Toilet, is it? Well, if you wanna kick it off, it's nothing to
Fucking do with me, I've used it now. I don't fucking use it anymore
It's over for me. I've not got shares in it, I don't own it, I don't
Fucking care about it, I've used it, bollocks, I'm gonna kick the
Lock off. So, I know, because of that bloke who has got no idea of
Society, just as Thatcher said, "There is no such thing as society."
Because of that attitude, I've gotta sit on a toilet with me leg
Jammed against the fucking door to keep it closed
So I sit down, open me newspaper, jam me leg
Against the door and the bastard opens outwards
Ahhh! So I've gotta, I've gotta grab the door and hold it. I just
Manage to get me bum over the edge of the seat and I'm holding onto
The door, just desperately holding on the last splintered bits of
Wood and screw of the lock with me fingers. 'Cause I'm that fucked
Up in my brain, that I would rather have my fingernails torn out of
My hand than have anyone see me having a poo. What's wrong with me?
So I sat there and I'm ready to go. I'm ready to drop it, I'm gonna
Drop a noisy one, it's cool. But no, there is another bloke getting
Out of the ferry. He tips the ferryman, wades ashore through the
Ripples of the piss lake. He's choosing his cubicle. I'm thinking
"Oh God, please only have a piss." 'Cause I can't let him hear me
You see. I'm sat there like that, I'm clenched up, I'm gonna wait
For him to go. I cannot bear a total stranger hearing my plop
But he's gonna have a plop, too. He's choosing his cubicle. He
Can't go in the broken one. Obviously not Whirly Splat, you remember
That one? You'd be out of your mind. He'd have to go in the one
The previous bloke never flushed. So, you can hear him trying to
Flush it. He's got a piece of paper, he's holding the handle through
The... 'Cause you know, you know, you catch something off the handle
"Why? The bloke hasn't shat on the handle" Well maybe he did. It's
Not my fucking toilet, I'll shit on what I like. There's no such
Thing as society. I don't fucking care, I'll shit on the handle
So he shits on the handle, then he goes and appears on Blind Date
Anyway, the guy is finally, the guy is finally sat down, right. He's
Sat there and we are locked in human conflict. Not three feet from
Me there is another human being and neither of us are prepared to
Give in. Neither of us prepared to let the other, but we are aware of
Each other's presence and we are clenched up. We are gonna wait each
Other out for all eternity. He's gotta plop first, I don't mind
Hearing him, but he's not gonna hear me. We are divided only by a
Sheet of formica that doesn't even touch the ground
I mean what's that about? An extra three inches for
A bit of human dignity. I mean, what's it there for?
Ankle fetishists? Ugh, fucking sexy pair of socks there
Eventually I think, "Oh, I'll let him hear me, I've gotta get out of
This place. I was here first, I'm a lefty, I'll go first, I'm only
Fair. I'll have to hear it, I'll have to do it, I'll have to let him
Hear me." So, I try and do the tiniest, tiniest little plop. The
Tiniest, I drape a sheet of paper on the surface of the water to
Deaden the fall. Quite a few people thinking I thought I was the only
Person in the world. Imagine what a dangerous job it is I do, eh
First time I tried that gag I'm thinking, "Fucking hell, I hope I'm
Right about this." And I hear 600 people going, "Well I've never done
That Ben, that sounds a bit weird." But it doesn't work, I drop a
Horrendous, it's like slapping a dead fish on the surface of a
Stagnant pond. Wallop, half a gallon of water straight up me
Arsehole. The poor person's B-day. I mean, that's probably why the
Bloke who never used any paper didn't bother, he thought, "Well
That'll dry in the fucking sun, that will." That swooshed me out
The noise is horrendous, it is showing on the Richter scale. The
Bloke next door's head, he's banging against the cubicle, feeling
The horror and the tension of the moment. A disaster befalls him
A worse disaster than a loud splash. The unexpected fart, the one
His bot gave him no warning of. The one that happens every ten years
'Cause normally your bot knows that you'd have to kill yourself or
Become a monk or a nun if anyone heard you fart, so it gives you
A warning. That's the spinal column, it runs from the bum to the
Brain, that's the fart hotline, that is. It goes, "Fart coming
Fart coming, prepare to clench up and ease and squeeze, there we go
Let that one go in five discrete stages, you'll be alright." But
This time, boom, out it comes. The guy next door's gonna have to
Become a monk, he can't move. I can't move 'cause he's heard my
Splash, he can't move 'cause I've heard
His fart. We are stuck for eternity
There is another bloke getting out of the ferry. He pays the ferryman
Wades ashore through the ripples of the piss lake. He's choosing his
Cubicle, can't go in the broken one. He'll have to go in Whirly Splat
You can hear the lengthy papering process. He's got a stepladder
And some paste, he's doing it properly. Before we know it there's
Three of us all sat in a row, three of us all clenched up. No
No, no, there is a fourth bloke getting out of the ferry. He tips
The ferryman, wades ashore through the ripples of the piss lake
There's no cubicles left. There is nowhere to shit, there's only
A broken one. He'll have to wait, whistling embarrassedly. There
Is no cubicle, he'll have to wait. But no one's gonna move, no
One's gonna move. I can't move 'cause he's heard my splash, he can't
Move 'cause I've heard his fart. And the bloke in the third one
Can't move 'cause he's in a horrible whirly splatty one. And if he
Goes out and the next bloke goes in, that bloke will think he did it
And you see, ladies and gentlemen, I know that a great deal of my
Comedy is vaguely critical. But you can see that all it really does
Is expose the farty beneath the Zellerfield suit. Because you see
We're all messed up. We all consume our environment, we all fall for
Media images, we all lie.It's funny
How I try to keep my language pure
Well, I can see that, Mr. Elton
You've only said the f-word 3,000 times
It's not clever
It's not clever. It's not smart
I know you think it is
I know you think you're being terribly witty by saying "fuck"
But it's not clever, it really isn't
You see, we all use language in different ways
And I think we need to reclaim our language
Because it's used, you know, things are called "epic"
You know, "an epic baked bean"
You know, we need to reclaim our... I mean
All the time I use words wrongly
I mean, for instance, I've been using the term "wanker"
As a form of abuse
I mean, we all do
I mean, wanker is a favourite, especially for lads
Lads like to use the term wanker as a form of abuse
They go, "Oi! Eh! Eh! Wanker!"
"Uh, uh! Wanker!"
"Uh, uh, uh! Wanker!"
"Wanker! Uh, uh, uh!"
We do
Us lads, we think wanker's a great insult
But it's not really a great insult, is it?
I mean, it's just stating the obvious, really, isn't it?
I mean, come on
If you shout "wanker"
Crowd of people, "Oi! Wanker!"
They all turn round and go, "Yeah, what?"
Because we're all wankers underneath, aren't we?
Come on
Let's have a little liberation comedy now
Front row seriously scared here
'Cause if we were honest about ourselves, we'd know
That in some form or other, we're all
We're all wankers under the table, aren't we? Come on
Okay, look, ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna
We're gonna clear some stuff up tonight
I mean, we're not gonna have a wank night, but anyway
It's getting ruder
So, ladies and gentlemen, let's really face the truth about it
Okay!
I'm gonna help you through it, this liberation
I'll be the first, alright?
I'm a wanker
Not obsessively
But I have known the pleasures of the palm
Now, who's next?
Always goes quiet at the front
Oh, so I'm the only one, am I? That's interesting
Oh, very weird, that
People sitting there, girlfriend saying
"You bloody say a word and I'll kill you!"
"Come on, solidarity"
"No, you don't say a word!"
Okay, okay!
Written by: Joanne Thain
