People say to me, "ShoEboX...

You've got a wife now

Do you have any plans

To start a family life now?

We really don't want your help

Perpetuating the species"

So I just bend over and turn around

And tell them to lick my feces

(1, 2, 3, 4!)

I've gotten the impression

Since I was in preschool

That some people are opposed

To my wading in the gene pool

They've mostly been subtle hints

But it sure raised my suspicions

When 300 protestors showed up on my lawn

And showed me their signed petitions

Total strangers wish upon me

An infection of the pelvic plexus

And children scream and point and cry

And ask their parents what my sex is

But I remain undeterred

Despite the death threats that I'm getting

Your kids will have to deal with my crap too

Cause my seed will soon be spreading!

I'm gonna procreate

And there's nothing you can do about it

It's gonna be so great

My wife'll pop out kids like a diesel-powered Pez dispenser

If you're against her helping me produce my offspring, let me know

And I'll tell you where to go

Cause I'm gonna procreate

I'm gonna procreate

My wife's won awards

For her uteral perfection

She's got more freakin' eggs

Than the Wegmans' dairy section

If she even wants to hold my hand

I wear a condom before I'll let her

Cause she's more fertile than cow manure

And thank god, she sure smells better

I've been checking my sperm count

And it couldn't be higher

They're practically dropping out of my pores

Whenever I perspire

I'll fertilize anything that moves

My semen is so kickin'

If I shove an Egg McMuffin down my pants

It turns into a McChicken

I'm gonna procreate

And there's nothing you can say about it

Thanks to a twist of fate

I've found a girl who doesn't throw up when she sees me naked

Why would she make it with a fat-ass long-haired ultra-geek like me?

Well, it's a mystery

I can't wait until the day

The OB/GYN will say

"Let's see the ultrasound of what you've bred"

The nurses will all faint and scream

Because I'll bet they've never seen

A fetus with a mullet on its head

(And full-sized man-boobs)

I've been reading 'bout Darwin and natural selection

And wondering how it could apply to the fruits of my erection

I want all my swimmers to be just the fastest fancy sleek ones

So I wax my carrot twenty times a day just to weed out the weak ones

I'm gonna procreate

There's nothing you can do about it

Each time I copulate

There's a chance that something's gonna be fertilized now

Don't be surprised now, if someday it comes to be

That there's a warm and mushy fleshy thing that's looking up at you

With a head that's full of questions and a diaper full of poo

With a bottle full of Folger's and a Bad Religion tee

And a face that's trial-sized but looks an awful lot like me

I'm gonna procreate

I'm gonna procreate

I'm gonna procreate

I'm gonna procreate!

I'm gonna procreate

"Hi, I'd like to make an appointment to get my husband a vasectomy, please?"

"No ma'am, I'm sorry, we don't allow you to make an appointment for your husband. He'll need to call in to do that for himself."

"Um, I'm married to the singer of Worm Quartet."

"Okay then, how about Tuesday at 3:15?"

"Perfect, thank you."

"You're welcome, we'll see you then."

"Okay."

"Bye."