Shattered Illusions

I fell for a man at a party, a Hyperion His godlike beauty easily met each criterion Six foot four and debonair Emerald eyes and thick black hair But when we got closer Was he perfect? No sir His nice white teeth came out at night And the sock down his jeans was what made them tight Oh, my shattered illusions I got a shock when I saw him cleanse Each bright green contact lens Oh, my poor confusion But the thing that caused the final rift Was when his toupee started to drift And his shoes had three inch lifts Oh, my shattered illusions Now, as for me, I lately met a city type (Ah-ha) He was nearly fifty-seven, but I couldn't gripe (Mm-hm) Rolled umbrella, pinstriped suit And a shiny Rolls to boot But when I got closer Was he perfect? No sir His great big hands were like wet spaghetti He lay on the couch and said, "Call me Betty" Oh, my shattered illusions He went on and on, for hours and hours About something called golden showers And showed me his contusions Wearing nipple clamps and bows in his pubic hair He handed me a whip and said, "Beat me there!" Then asked if he could sniff my underwear Oh (oh oh oh oh), my shattered illusions Now me, I really think I've met the perfect guy (I, me) Can't find a single fault, no matter how I try (Oh, gee) Though no Adonis, he's the cream He is every mother's dream But will I let him get closer? What do you think? No sir He thinks I'm lovely but entre nous My lashes and nails are stuck on with glue Oh (poor bloke), his shattered illusions I've had a little tuck here and a little tuck there And I wasn't born with this blonde hair Oh (no joke), his poor delusions My original chin was much, much bigger My nose job would simply make him snigger It's to silicone, I owe my shapely figure Oh, his shattered illusions But I'll keep Mum, because you see His bride is what I long to be But, God help us if the children look like me Oh, those shattered illusions