If you don't have a reefer, and you're from a little town, you always got one thing you can look forward to every year.

And you know it's coming.

That's when the fair comes to town

I love the fair.

Hey, you see people at a fair you don't see anywhere else ever.

Any time else ever.

It's like they've been hiding all year

At a good fair, the animals are watching the people walk around, man

What in the hell is that?

What is he?

How did he get on two legs like that?

You don't have to pay for the side shows, man.

Forget the animals, half the people walking around in there could charge you a dollar

Hey, look at me!

Look at my hump!

That's a dollar!"

You see some weird people in there.

Some odd-looking people.

Hey, I saw this one lady.

She had the biggest, roundest, lumpiest, most widest, glorious ass I have ever seen in my life.

It was glorious.

It wasit was one big ass with seven or eight other asses stacked up on top of that ass.

She's like a ass collector.

Just walking around like this, man, just stealing other people's asses

Come here, I'll tell you something.

That's my ass now!"

Just walking around wearing spandex, too, man.

I know.

Sexy

I do not—I do not understand fair fashion.

I don't—like, how do people decide what they're going to wear the day of the fair?

It's like they wake up that morning and go, "

Huh, we're going to the fair?

Let me get my worst-looking shit."

I'm gonna wear these terry cloth sweatpants.

You don't have to wear underwear with these.

Not me, man.

I'm gonna bounce down that midway like an epileptic holding a garden hose

You've all seen that guy.

I know you have.

No underwear, sweatpants.

His thing is just bouncing around like a tachometer in a hurricane.

Little kids are stopping and staring, "

Mama, he's got a dog in his pants!" Don't look at that!

Might be a trouser schnauzer

They're all freaks, man.

But my favorite freaks are the ones that try to get you to come in and look at their freaks.

You know what I'm talking about?

The side-show barker dudes?

I was walking down the midway.

There was a dude standing there, had a microphone, cord, amplifier.

That was his whole get-up.

And he was just yelling at people as they went past him.

He was going, "

You must see the world's largest rat!" And I heard that, and I stopped.

I was like, oh hell, he's right.

I got to see this thing

And he kept going, "

This rat drinks gallons of water daily!

This rat eats pounds of raw meat!

This rat came here on a Harley-Davidson motorcycle!" And you go in and you look at the rat—it's just a possum.

It's not even moving.

Like, dude, that is a dead possum.

It's always a rip-off.

I can't help myself

Because the fair has weird effects on you, you know?

It does.

Like, you will eat stuff at the fair you would never eat anywhere else ever.

And you'll let people serve you—you would never let serve you anywhere else

I found myself one time waiting in line—waiting—to buy a Polish sausage from a man who only had one arm.

And I just kept looking down at that sausage, looking up at his arm.

And then it's my turn.

He goes, "

What you want?" I was like, "

What happened to your arm?" He goes, "

Don't worry about it."

I'll take a Diet Coke." I'm stuffed!

I had some carny arm sausage earlier today.

Couldn't have another bite, man

But it was delicious.

Cuz they can make anything taste good at the fair.

No, cuz they fry everything.

Oh, they fry apples, they fry ice cream, they fry Snickers bars.

They have fried dough.

That's what I love fried dough!

Hey, how far down on the fry chain do you think they got before some guy's like, "

Man, we're out of stuff to fry!" His buddy's like, "

Oh, we ain't either.

I've been waiting for this moment.

Fry Peperoti.

Trust me!

Fry Pepto-Bismol, put some powdered sugar on it, they will eat it!" And it's delicious!

I love it too!