I am Adolfo Pirelli

Da king of da barbers, da barber of kings

E buon giorno, good day

I blow you a kiss!

And I, da so-famous Pirelli

I wish-a to know

Who has-a da nerve-a to say

My elixir is-a piss!

Who says this?

I do. I am Mr. Sweeney Todd. I have opened this bottle of Pirelli's elixir, and I say to you it is nothing but an arrant fraud. And furthermore—"Signor"—I have serviced no kings, yet I wager that I can shave a cheek and pull a tooth with ten times more dexterity than any street mountebank!

You hear zis foolish-a man? Watch and-a see how he will regret his-a folly!

Will Beadle Bamford be the judge?

Glad, as always, to oblige my friends and neighbors. Ready?

Ready!

Ready. 

The fastest, smoothest shave is the winner. 

Now, signorini, signori

We mix-a da lather

But first-a you gather

Around, signorini, signori

You looking a man

Who have had-a da glory

To shave-a da Pope!

Mr. Sweeney-so-smart—

Oh, I beg-a your pardon—'ll

Call me a liar, was-a only a cardinal—

Nope!

It was-a da Pope!

Perhaps, signorini, signori

You'd like-a I tell-a

Da famous-a story

Of Queen Isabella

Da queen of-a Polan

Whose toot' was-a swollen

I pull it so nice from her mout'

That-a though to begin she's a screaming-a murder

She's later-a swoon-a with bliss an' was heard-a

To shout

"Pull all of them out!"

To shave-a da face

To pull-a da toot'

Require da grace

And not-a da brute

For if-a you slip

You nick da skin

You clip-a da chin

You rip-a da lip a bit

And that's-a da trut'!

To shave-a da face

Or even a part

Widout it-a smart

Require da heart

It take-a da art

I show you a chart

I study-a starting in my yout'!

To cut-a da hair

To trim-a da beard

To make-a da bristle

Clean like a whistle

Dis is from early infancy

Da talent give to me

By God!

It take-a da skill

It take-a da brains

It take-a da will

To take-a da pains

It take-a da pace

It take-a da grace—

The winner is Todd!

And now, who's for a tooth pulling—free without charge!

Oh, me, sir. Me, sir. 

Who else? No one? Then, sir, since there is no means to test the second skill, I claim the victory. 

Wait! One moment. Wait! You, boy! Get on that chair!

Me, Signor? Not a tooth, sir, I beg of you! I ain't got a twinge— not the slightest pain—

You do now! We see who is zee victor now!

Ready?

Ready!

Ready. 

To pull-a da toot'

Widout-a da skill

Can damage da root—

Now hold-a da still!

An' if-a you slip

You grip a bit

You hit da pit of it

Or chip-a da tip

And have-a to fill

To pull-a da toot'

Widout-a da grace

You leave-a da space

All over da place

You try to erase

Widout-a da trace

Sometimes is da case

You even-a kill

To hold-a da clamp

Widout-a da cramp

Wid all dat saliva

It could-a drive-a

You crazy—

Don' mutter

Or back-a you go to da gutter!

My touch is as light as a butter-a

Cup!

I take-a da pains

I learn-a da art

I use-a da brains

I give-a da heart

I have-a da grace

I win-a da race—!

I give-a da up