So you rang

After all that

On a Tuesday, at about six, like it was nothing, and I did not have anything ready, which is the first thing I noticed about myself

A hundred and forty nights of material and not one usable line

And you were fine

You were genuinely fine

You had a story about a car and it was an alright story and I laughed in the right place

And you asked how I was and I said good, thanks, busy

And neither of us said anything that wasn't true, which was the strangest part of the evening

You're smaller

That's the only way I can put it and it isn't cruel, it's dimensional

You're a person of ordinary size who says ordinary things at ordinary speed

And for four months I have been receiving from something enormous, and the enormous thing was not on the other end of the line

It was on this end

It was in the kitchen chair

It was doing the counting

And I want to be clear that I'm not disappointed in you

You never claimed any of it

You never asked to be the size I made you

I built a whole person out of a lamp and a bad phone signal and then I got annoyed that the real one didn't come with the wiring

That's not your fault

That's a manufacturing note about me

Here's what I actually miss, and I've had a while to work this out

Not you

I'm sorry

It was never really you and I think you always half knew that

I miss her

The one in the chair at half two with the numbers, who could do anything, who was never once bored, who had something enormous to point at

She was the best I've ever been and she only exists when you're not there

So I've got a choice, and it's a stupid one, and I make it every day now

Have you

Or have her

And most days I choose you, because that's the one a person's supposed to choose

Some nights I still do the sheep

You're asleep by then

You don't know