The Girl for You

Should we continue playing Jewish Geography? 'Cause I can give you like ten more names... We can. I am good at this game. Even if I'm not a Jew. Oy vey! Oy vey! I'm sorry, what did you just say? I said, I'm not a Jew... Oy vey! Oy vey! This isn't the girl for you This isn't the girl for you Dai dai dai dai dai dai Dai dai Dai dai dai dai dai dai Dai This isn't the girl for you Aaron, bubalah!! Grandma Ida, is that you? That's right! What are you doing here? You're dead. I was busy praying At my temple in the sky When I got an urgent message That came straight from adonai! He said, "Ida, it's your grandson. He is acting out of line 'Cause he's dating casey clark Instead of dating sarah stein!" I begged, "Yahweh, send me to him! I have wisdom to impart! Plus my grandson Aaron loves me, And he'd never break my heart. I can make the pischer understand The error of his ways. Even I once schtupped a schvartza It was just a passing phase!" Eh, the schvartza was a phase! So listen to me, boychik You're a mensch who's been endowed With brains and looks and talent - I could plotz, I'm just so proud! But though I cut you slack When you did not return my calls, If you wed this little tsatskeleh I'll break your matzah balls! This isn't the girl for you! - Oy oy oy! This isn't the girl for you! - a goy goy goy! She considers jesus boss And thinks you nailed him to the cross! This isn't the girl for you! Not for you, not for you - hey! Not for you - hey! She's not for you! Aaron? Whoa. And who are you? I'm Casey's father. Her very disapproving, Very Christian father. And Aaron... You are ruining my daughter's life Never thought my baby'd be a hebrew's wife. Why would people called "The chosen ones" Choose to wear strange hats And circumcise their sons? Circumcise their sons! You don't know the holy trinity Or the joy felt when you trim a christmas tree. And since you cannot sing "The first noel" Jesus christ won't save you From the gates of hell. You'll go straight to hell! Everyone hallelujah! Every angel sings for the easter bunny And the eggs he brings. Hallelujah! Christians pass the test We are not semitic Therefore we are blessed. This isn't the girl for you Ahhh! This isn't the girl for you Ahhh! How can I stay cool and calm When you don't praise the virgin mom? This isn't the girl for you! Yo, Dad. 'sup? Uhh, I'm sorry - "Dad"? What, you don't recognize me? I'm yours and Casey's future son. And I'm, like, beyond messed up So - thanks for that You got me so confused I don't know which way to choose Do I celebrate christmas or chanukan? Either way, I lose. 'Cause I don't know what to believe in With the mixed signals I'm receivin' Now, I don't fit into a box I'm strung out with doubt and I can't detox. Should I live life for the moment? Or should I kneel and repent? Do I believe the messiah's comin' Or came and went? I'm stuck and It's fuckin' depressin' From all this perpetual guessin' Don't mean to be preachy But like nietzsche the nihilist I'm thinkin' that God don't exist. Do I cry at schindler's list Or weep at the passion of the Christ?! Everyone else both! Should I shop retail When there is no sale Or kvetch that It's all overpriced?! I'm gonna haunt you like a poltergeist! My whole identity you're sacrieiced! Why didn't you use a condom?! Aaron... (All in counterpoint) This isn't the girl for you! Not not for you! This isn't the girl for you! So true! So true! Six thousand years of history Are restin' on your head If you married her You'd kill me were I not already dead! I won't have my grandkids raised on bagels, Lox and cream cheese spread... Christian father now let's review: She's not a jew! So this isn't the girl for you! A shayna maydl but she doesn't spin the dreidel! So this isn't the girl for you! Hey!