Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to

The stage the very funny Mr. Mark Gross

How we doing, everyone? Good?

Alright, well we're, uh, a little hungover tonight. I apologize

We, uh, we had a late night last night. Boy, we, uh, we drank a lot

I'm not gonna lie to you people. We, holy crap, I don't even remember

Too much of last night, but I do remember this, uh

If you're playing strip poker with a bunch of waitresses from Denny's

And you win, you lose

We wound up at a, uh, karaoke bar

And I tried to sing a Barry White song

Then I went in the parking lot and

Spray-painted 'honkey' on my own car

And I called Craig this morning, I was in a pa-

It's good to have a friend you can say anything to, you know

I called him up this morning, I go, "Craig, I

Uh, I got my penis stuck in a shampoo bottle"

And he said, "Mark, that's nothing to be ashamed of"

And I go, "Yeah, but it's, it's a hotel shampoo bottle, so"

Thanks for laughing at that one, I appreciate that, uh

I was up early, my dad called me at 6 this morning

Man, you know, old people love to call you early in the morning

And they try and make you feel bad about sleeping in

6 In the morning, there's my dad, "Still in bed, are we?"

He goes, "You know, Mark, the early bird gets the worm"

And I go, "Well, Dad, that's probably true, but the, uh

The bird that goes to the bar and drinks

Beer all night gets to fuck the waitress"

I'm gonna go ahead and do that, I think, you know?