We must think of a test that looks fair, sounds fair, seems fair, and isn't fair! But exactly what?

Table manners?

No, that's not hard enough. 

(sung)

Sensitivity, sensitivity

I'm just loaded with that!

In this one word is

The epitome of the aristocrat

Sensitive soul and sensitive stomach

Sensitive hands and feet

This is the blessing, also the curse

Of being the true elite

Common people don't know what

Exquisite agony is

Suffered by gentle people

Like me! Just

Get your hands off me

Think up a tricky

Test for that wretched, moat-swimming princess

Madame, may I suggest:

Maybe we ought to--

Don't take all night! I'm not well, I need my rest...

Not that I ever sleep on that lumpy mattress: Oh God, my back!

Sensitivity, bane of royalty

That bed's a torture rack

Oh, I hate to sound grumpy

But my nerves are so jumpy

I am sure I could feel any lump

Even if it were under the mattress and small as a

Pea! That's the answer!

Under the mattress

We'll test her tonight

One tiny pea

Beneath one thick

Downy mattress

Oh God, you're bright!

Any genuine princess would feel it

If she doesn't she's through!

Get the tiniest pea and order

One mattress--no! Make it two!

Why not five?

Ten, I think would plenty--

Better still make it twenty

And to play it safe, in the event

Even that's not enough to insure that she sleeps

We'll give her a soothing sedative, won't we?

You can whip up a drink

Something stunning

Ah, but you're devilish!

I love the way you think!

She's insensitive, so insensitive

She'll fall asleep no doubt

God, but you're clever!

Brilliant!

A genius!

You are divine--

Get out!