(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs

Front step, cha-cha-cha

Back step, cha-cha-cha

Side step, front step

Back, and turn

Oh my God, Penny, there's Link, Link!

I can't believe I'm really here auditioning!

I can't believe I'm really here watching you audition!

Front step, cha-cha-cha

Back step, cha-cha-cha

Side step, front step

Back, and tu-

Oh, Amber, look at this motley crew!

Oh, this town sure has gone downhill since I was crowned Miss-

Oh, Mother, not more ancient history!

Oh, my God, how times have changed!

These girls must be blind or completely deranged

But time seemed to halt

When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs

Amber! That move is far too dirty!

Mother, wake up from that dream of yours, this isn't 1930

You can laugh, but life's a test

Don't do this, don't do that!

Remember, Mother knows best

For the crown's in the vault

From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs

These steps are perfect ammunition

Let me show you how your Mommy dear

Took out the competition

Girls, go get 'em

Boys, let's rumba

One, two, three, four

Five, six, seven

Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges

They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges

Those broads thought they'd win

If a plate they would spin in their dance

Ha! Not a chance!

Boys, put me down

Oh, good morning, ladies

Let's see what you got

Twist, twist, twist, twist

Mashed potato, mambo

Ready? Begin

On my show, you'll never find

A thrusting hip or bumping grind

What's that? A dance for fleas and ticks?

Oh, you should have seen my bag of tricks!

Oh, I hit the stage, batons ablaze!

While belting Aida and preparing souffles!

But that triple somersault

Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs!

Proceed

Are you scared we're on live?

No, I'm sure I can cope

Well, this show isn't broadcast in-

Cinemascope!

I never drank one chocolate malt

No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs

This one will never get a date in those hand-me-down clothes

Ha! Kid, she'll never get a date till Daddy buys her a new nose

I would say, "Oy, gevalt!"

If I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crabs

Do you dance like you dress?

Amber, there's no need to be cruel

Would you swim in an integrated pool?

I sure would! I'm all for integration, it's the new frontier!

Not in Baltimore, it isn't, and may I be frank?

First impressions can be tough

And when I saw you, I knew it

If your size weren't enough

Your last answer just blew it

And so, my dear, so short and stout

You'll never be in, so we're kicking you out!

With your form and your face

Oh, but it isn't your fault

You're just down with a case of Miss Baltimore Crabs!

Eh, you may go

Um, thank you?

I think they secretly liked you!

May I please audition?

Hahaha, of course not!

But you may bow and exalt

'Cause I am Miss Baltimore Crabs!

Crabs, crabs, crabs!