I Don't Understand Christmas

Oh my God, it's so cold out there though. The snow storm we had last week. I hate this time of year. I really do. It's freezing outside. So people from out of...

Aren't you as cold as I am? It's freezing. No, it's freezing outside, and people from out of town don't understand. Just turn the heat on. We don't have normal heat. Nobody invented a thermostat in New York City, so all the apartments you have radiator heating and you have on or off. Those are your two choices on or off. So, if you shut it off, it's a choice between North Pole and Satan's ass. Those are your two settings. So, you can't freeze to death, so I have it set at Satan's ass. And people are like, "Well, what do you do?" Well, you open the window, that's your thermostat. You open the window a little bit to cool it off. But now I've got a science experiment going on in my house. I have a hot air system coming in from the South, from the radiator, and a cool air flow from the North, from the wind. All I need is moisture and I have a nor'eastern. Right? I'm afraid to take a shower. I'll come out of the shower. There'd be 30 inches of snow in my living room. My wife's like, "What are you doing?" "I'm salting down the kitchen. That's what I'm doing."

I don't understand Christmas. People send me Christmas cards. They send their children, right? They send you babies. I don't know the baby. I know the parent. What am I supposed to do with those cards? I put them all on the refrigerator, but now I've got all these babies on my fridge. I look like a pedophile. People coming in. "Why do you have?" "I don't know why I have the baby." I didn't have kids for forever. What was I supposed to send back? I always want to send back a picture of me with my pants down around my ankles, holding a menorah on the toilet. Happy Hanuk-cock.

 

We have SantaCon. Does anybody do that? Why? Why do you do that? Why do you do that? You dress up as Santa Claus and walk around and do a bar crawl? Only Gentiles would do some of this stuff. Seriously, only Gentiles. "Jews don't do that?" No, we have Hasidim. That's 247 dressed as Moses without the vomiting. Gentiles on Christmas make no sense. You all come in to see the tree at Rockefeller Center, right? Why? You don't have trees where you live? There are no trees anywhere. Why are you coming into see this tree? Just do me a favor. You don't need to come in anymore. Here's what you do. Go into your living room with tree and go down really low, and look up, way up. That's what it is. It's ridiculous that Jews would never do that. If you put a giant menorah, the Jews wouldn't come see it. In fact, you could light eight buildings on fire in a row. The Jews wouldn't come see it. We collect the insurance money, but we're not coming.

 

The Smileys, I talk about this. All the people come in from out of town to see that tree. You know, I refer to them as the Smileys because they're all very happy from out of town. "We're going to see a tree. This is so good." It's the holiday season. They're all holding hands and the crap. But then, as New Yorkers, we do come together in a holiday way very, very sweetly. I always see the Smileys trying to get on a subway, and it's always crowded this time of year, and they can't get on the subway train. Right? And they're always like, "Oh, but it's the holiday season." So, they look in a crowded subway train with New Yorkers and they go, "Hey, if everybody could just move in a little bit, we could get onto." And then, we all come together as New Yorkers in the holiday season and go, "Fuck you." God bless us all, everyone. All right. That's all for me. Thank you very much.