Cat People

Speaking of cats, you know, I just recently lived with a cat for a

Couple of months. Um, let me rephrase that, I lived with a person

That had a cat. Wasn't the cat's place, although, that would be a

Fantastic answer to a Craigslist ad. Showing up and there's a cat

With a bandana and a U of A jersey. "Oh, yo, what's up, bro? Let me

Show you the place, so. Just a bedroom, fully furnished. Litter

Everywhere, hahaha. It's a 5x2 and it's $80,000 a month, what do you

Think about that, bro? Huh, what do you think about that price

Brobocop? Come on, what's your thoughts, Brobodon Mybrosovich? Come

On, there is so much a bro can tell you, so much he can bro you

Remain the bro on the bro side of me. Love remains the bro, that's

The bro and not the bro. The picture, bro, like with it, bro. My eyes

Become bro and the bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro." Kiss, kiss him

Or bros. Um, stupid. That's so silly. But I learned something

I learned how somebody becomes a crazy, insane cat person. 'Cause I

Got a taste, I spent so much one-on-one time with this animal, right?

'Cause I do this, and my roommate at the time, what's it called?

Worked. So she was gone all day, and I was just sitting there with

This cat, and I learned that if you spend enough time alone with an

Animal, at some point you will start to talk to that animal like it's

A person. I don't mean like baby talk or like cutesy talk, just, you

Just say things and maybe think it'll say something back. And at

First it starts as a joke, at first it's like, "Hey cat, what do you

Think about illegal immigration? Hahahaha, you can't speak English or

Other languages." And then one day you're flipping channels and you

Land on C-SPAN2 and the cat's kinda watching and you're kinda

Watching and you go, "Hey cat, what do you think about the Republican

Takeover of the House?" And the cat gives you this look that makes

You go, "Shit, I should ask a follow-up question." And that's

Luckily that's where that ended for me. But a lot of people, too many

People, ask the follow-up question. And that's when they find out

They're not politically aligned with that cat. Like that cat is way

More conservative than they thought. They're like, "Well, I need to

Balance this shit out." So they go back to the pet store trying to

Find a cat that's more of a liberal and there's a cat like, "Yes

I'm a liberal over here." And they're like, "Great, I need bipartisan

Cooperation in my apartment." So they bring the cat back to the

Apartment, start having debates, and they realize that they misheard

The cat. Like the cat's a libertarian. And they're like, "What?

You don't know shit about fuck." So they go back... They go back to

The pet store trying to find like a left-leaning centrist and other

Cats are like, "Uh, yeah, I want to partake in the political process

" And this person's like, "Fine." So they get every single cat that

They see. And they have their different ideologies and philosophies

And they bring them back to the apartment, start having debates

About nuclear proliferation, signing feline legislation into law

And at some point, this person has gone insane. But they don't notice

'Cause they're so focused on being the speaker at Catgris. Like

Making sure they have a regulation gavel and every feline they see

Is perfectly fitted with a powdered wig. And they're just taking care

Of business, just going, "The motion to make all things scratchable

Has been approved." "I would now like to yield the floor to the

Distinguished gentle cat from South Carolina, Mr. Dr. Hieronymus

Funnybottoms." "Yes, thank you, Your Honor. It has come to the

Attention of the cats and kittens of this Catgris that you

Continue to consort with humanity. Namely, friends and relatives

That are concerned for your well-being and want to save you

From this madness and insanity. I move for you to never consort

With humanity again, only attend the matters of Catgris, and

Only communicate in a series of small meows. What say you to

That, dog got your tongue? And let me finish with this, meow

Meow, meow, meow, meow." Weird piece of theater right there