How I Got the Calling

When I was still a schoolgirl

Standing just about yay high

I saw the face of Jesus in a coconut cream pie

Next morning

There was Mary in a bowl of Special K

And ten of twelve apostles in the salad bar buffet

Now, frankly

I'm an eater

And I polished off Saint Peter

When my tummy sort of gave a little lurch

And

I knew beyond all question

It was more than indigestion

And that's how I got the calling to the Church

You found God in junk food?

The Lord works in mysterious ways!

So

I told mine

Now, you tell yours

Uh... Age before beauty

Death before dishonor

My mother kicked the bucket in the flood of '38

A falling Steinway piano sent my father to his fate

All twenty of my siblings caught the plague by some odd chance

And something in the meatloaf got my uncles and my aunts

The town I lived in bit it when a freak tornado hit it

And the heartbreak took my dog to his reward

And

I figured, on reflection, I could maybe use protection

And that's how I got my calling to the Lord (How I got my calling to the Lord)

That's how I got my calling

And it was bracing

But enthralling

And I just knew

I'd do as I was bid

I'd be overfed

And I'd be obviously dead

So thank the Lord, I got that calling when I did

Now, you!

No - them!

The folks from Jews for Jesus stuck a pamphlet in my purse

I heard a voice while playing Sergeant Pepper in reverse

I prayed and then, by golly, my psoriasis was healed

People always told me that I looked like Sally Field

I had a revelation when I skipped my medication

The outfit just did wonders for my frame

And

Yes it may be odd to get a wake-up call from God

But in the end, I got the calling and I came

I got the calling and I came (And that's how I got the calling)

And gave my life an overhauling (La la la la)

And it was loud

And firm

And oh, so clear

Yes, it's quite a jump but I'd be lost

Afraid

A frump!

So thank the Lord I got the calling and I'm here

Save the bestest for last-est

Uh

Oh - she hasn't gone yet

Oh, no not me

I can't. I didn't -

Mary Robert wasn't exactly "called" to the convent, were ya, mouse?

Tell her!

Well

You see

I mean, it's kind of like I -

Came here as a tot

What I mean is-

Left here at the door

Well

Go on

And I don't know if I'm-

Supposed to be a nun or not

It's-

Hard to say, but after all, that's what the call is for

Right?

So

Spotlight's back on you, Sister

Fess up!

Okay

Uh...

Me and Sister... Sledge

We had a ministry, I guess

Ah - working at Our Lady of Perpetual... Excess

We'd go among the village people every day - well, night

Lifting up the sinful and helping the uptight

And suddenly one day, it was like, bang!

And right away I saw the light

And screamed, "Sweet Jesus Christ!" and such

And

I asked to be secluded in this hellhole just like you did

And that's how I got the calling, pretty much

How she got the calling, pretty much (And that is how I got the calling)

Right (It was sublime)

And yet appalling

And it was all so right in all respects

Sweet as mountain honey

And as wild as summer lightning

And as warm as woolen mittens

And so fierce that it was frightening

And as bright as new-cut flowers

And as swift as April showers

And orgasmic as a night of sweaty sex-

I'm sorry

Was that out loud?

If it never came

If all our lives were just the same

Well, heaven knows what might have happened to us then

But we got the calling

Thank the Lord, we got the calling

We're so glad you got the calling

Amen!