Albert's Turn

All weddings have their problems, Jenny

Even couples who elope

But all of them are solveable so please, don't give up hope

You'll find that I'm invincible

Impervious to shock

What are you, magic?

No, my sweet

I've been around the block!

I am a nuptial Houdini

Conjuring in-laws and panini

I've tricks and fancy slights of hand galore

Divining like a crystal ball

Predicting problems big and small

But that's because I've seen it all before

Dear Walt stepped on the wedding cake (and there's still some in my shoe!)

My God! Is there a backup?

No, of course not! There are two!

Aunt Sheila started drinking (She'll chase anything in pants)

I found an eager busboy

He's quite skillful; he's from France

He is a nuptial Houdini

Fulfilling wishes like a genie

Before the game is played, I know the score (he knows the score)

But let me make it very clear (very clear)

It's not that I'm some mystic seer (mystic seer)

It's simply that I've seen it, dear, before

The bride found her husband in bed with a stripper

The groom got his naughty bits caught in his zipper

The ring-bearing dog who got drunk on Campari

The rhino who ruined a wedding safari

The groom so hungover the kiss made him throw up

That winter-spring romance when spring didn't show up

The bride so distraught that she needed reminding:

A wedding day pre-nup's not legally binding

Is that true?

In New York state, it is

He's a pre-nuptial Houdini (she's got it!)

You make my problems teeny-weenie (teeny-weenie)

I'm Martha Stewart crossed with Dumbledore (with Dumbledore)

I live to serve, so bring it on (bring it on)

I'm here from dawn till dusk till dawn (dawn, dusk, dusk till dawn)

Mothers who come on too strong

In-laws who don't get along

Nothing shocks him anymore

In fact, my life's a crashing bore!

Seen it, done it

Done it, seen it all

Before

Oh yes, I've seen it all before!