Die Vampire, Die!

There are some people in the world who say that writing stories

Or composing music or dancing sparkly dances is easy for them

Nothing interferes with their ability to create

While I celebrate their creative freedom

A little part of me just wants to punch those motherfuckers in the teeth

This song, I sing this song for you guys and for all the rest of us. Help me out Y'all!

We'll sing backup

You have a story to tell, a novel you keep in a drawer

Old sock drawer!

You have a painting to paint, but you lazy like an old French whore

Je suis whore

You have a movie to make, Shrinky Dinks you can bake/ Ooo

But you best grab a stake, 'cause/ Ooo

In sweep the vampires/ Ooo

In creep the vampires/ Ooo

Knee deep in vampires/ Ooo

Filling you with doubt/ Ooo

Insecurity, 'bout what your art should be/ Ooo

In sweep the vampires/ Ooo

Die vampire!

You sketched that turtle you saw in an ad on late-night cable TV

Tippy Turtle!

But your fourth-grade teacher said

You can't draw

Aww, those vampires won't let you be!

Fuck you Ms. Johnson, word!

And when they come run like hell, see those bats in your belfry, then call on Van Helsing

In swoosh

Ooh, the vampires

In a whoosh

Ooh, the vampires

Babaganoosh

Ooh, all the vampires

Filling you with thoughts of

Self-consciousness

Feelings of

Worthlessness

They'll make you

Second guess

Die vam-

-pire!

There are so many vampires

Inside, outside, and nationwide

It helps to recognize them with this vampire hunting guide!

Listen closely/ Ooo

A vampire is any person or thought or feeling/ Ooo

That stands between you and your creative self-expression/ Ooo

But they can assume many seductive forms/ Ooo

Here's a few of them!/Ooo

Tell us, Susan!

First up are you pigmy vampires

They'll swarm around your head like gnats and say things like:

Your teeth need whitening

You went to state school?

You sound weird

Shakespeare

Sondheim

And Sedaris

Did it before you and better than you

Or they might say that you cannot sing good enough to be in a musical

Or they might say-

Ooh, your song's derivative

Ooh, your song's derivative

Ooh, your song's derivative

Oo-hoo!/To keep that song from you! Just tell them

Die vampire, die!

Brothers and sisters

Next up is the air freshener vampire

She might look like you mama, or your old fat-ass, fat aunt Fanny

If she smells something unpleasant in what you're creating

She'll urge you to'

(Spraying sound)

It with some pine fresh smell 'em ups

The air freshener vampire doesn't want you to write about

Bad language

Blood

Or blow jobs

She wants you to clean it up and clean it out

Which will leave your work toothless, gutless, and crotchless

But, you'll be left with two tight paragraphs

On kittens that your grandma would be so proud of

You look at that air freshener vampire in her fat ass, fat old fuckin' face and you say-

Morte vampir, morte

The last vampire is the mother of all vampires and that is the vampire of despair

It'll wake you up at 4 am to say things like-

Who do you think you're kidding?

You look like a fool

No matter how hard you try, you'll never be good enough

Why is it if some dude walked up to me on the subway platform

And said these things, I would think he was a mentally ill asshole

But if the vampire inside my head says it

It's the voice of reason

You have a story to tell, pull your novel out of that sock drawer!

You have a painting to paint, you best paint it and then

Paint some more!

Oh baby, you must escape/ Ooo

And grab it by the nape of its neck, by the trachea/ Ooo

Fuckin' break it, go on drive a stake in/ Aaa

Yeah, there's no mistakin'/ Aaa

Now you're shake and bakin'!

Die, vampire

I said, "Die, vampire"

I said, "Now die vam-pi-re, die!"

In fly the vampires

Oh my the vampires

Then die the vampires

Filling you with life, creativity

All that your art should be

Out go the vampires

Die vampire

Die vampire

Die vampire

Die!