Give God the first portion of your income, say that with me

(Give God the first portion of your income)

Give it first! Not after the deducts, not after the social security

And the hospitalization, and the malnutrition

Not after all these things on your check

You say," I'ma give God a little what's left"

You do, and that's what you gonna get from God

Who am I? I'm not the devil

I can take you to my level

Above the rocks, above the earth

Tell me what your soul is worth

How much money do you make?

How much will you let me take?

I will give you tranquility

Just send you wealth and cheques to me

Life is going to expire

And your soul will burn in fire

You will perish in the thunder

Unless you call my hotline number

God has asked you to make me rich

Me and my fat-rat gaudy bitch

On your T.V.'s late at night

Send those checks, and I'll guide you to the light

Don't put away your wallets just yet, brothers and sisters

There's somebody here I'd like all of you to meet

This is little Jonathan, Jonathan, say hello to the lovely people

(Hello), Jonathan has problems

Twisted neck, tangled legs, crooked spine, but we can heal this boy

For just, uh, six thousand dollars, we can heal this boy!

God called me and then stopped by

And he told me you're gonna die

Unless you buy my holy water

Check, cash, or a money order

This is true, don't question me

I'll even send you shit for free

It's only ten bucks for the call

And I'll send a prayer, no charge at all

Put your lips up to the screen

Close your eyelids, and intervene

Your lips to mine, now send the cash

And while you're there, you can kiss my ass

Take your paycheck, and send me half

And I'll send you God's autograph

I'll get you Allah's, and Bhuddah's too

Even Zeus, I don't give a fuck who, just send me that money

Would you like to be healed, little Jonathan? (Yeah, Reverend)

You see, brothers and sisters, this-

Excuse me, I told him never to page me on a sermon day

Yes? Uh-huh! Hallelujah, outie

People, that was the lord, today only, he will heal this boy

For just, five thousand dollars!

Pass the collection plate (sh-sh-show me how you give)

Pass the collection plate (gi-gi-give, how to live)

Pass the collection plate (sh-sh-show me how you give)

Pass the collection plate (show me how you give, I'll tell you how to live)

Your total's 22-11

For your set of keys to heaven

Make the checks out in my name

Me or God it's all the same

Bring your crippled ass to me

Pay my usher the holy fee

I'll bless your legs, and bless your chair

Then wheel your bitch-ass outta here

Now a special ceremony

This part don't cost any money

Drip a drop of blessed water

Now I fertilize your daughter

Even though I fucked a hooker

Took your baby girl and shook her

You still buy everything I sell

And I will be livin' well, see you in hell

Four thousand eight hundred, nine hundred

Five thousan-, Hallelujah! You did it, brothers and sisters!

Are you ready, Jonathan? (Yes, reverand)

Lord almighty, we've met your price, give me the healing power

I can feel it! Lord! Roomy loomy lama noma noomy!

This boy is healed!

(Really?) Now to the naked eye

It would appear that this boy has not been healed

But I can assure you, this boy's spirit has been healed!

Inside this tangled, mangled frame is a healed little boy

His spirit is healed! Hallelujah!

Country Cookin', can I take your order?

You want the red-eye gravy with that?

With chitlins or black-eyed peas?

Lemme cypher up your bill, here

That comes to 14.95 (oh, god, dear, save me)

Okay, be ready quicker than two jiggles of a jackrabbit's ass