Gettin' old, man, heard the gun for halftime go off when I turned 40

I'm at halftime in my life, my life is half over

And I played a sloppy first half, man

I didn't think the game was gonna go this long, I didn't

It took some timeouts coming down the field

You know you're getting old when you hurt yourself sleeping

You ever wake up, "What the fuck was I dreaming about?" Oh, God

And then you gotta lie to your buddies

I ripped my neck up movin' a fridge

Really? Nah, I sprained it on a pillow

It's all goin' to hell, I don't know what happened

The older you get, the older you get

The more stuff you gotta quit, you know?

Like, I quit smokin' weed

I had to, I got a seven-year-old

You know how stupid you looks

When you can't figure out chutes and ladders?

And you throw a fit about it

If I get here, I gotta go to the bottom?

I ain't playing!

That's not good parenting

If you're over 35, too, technology doesn't have you by the throat

It doesn't own you, and I like that

People my age look at technology like

Yeah, I can't figure that out

Just turn the radio on or something

I don't believe in all those buttons, man

And let me tell you something

If you're under 25, and you use your cell phone a lot

I want you to do me a favor

For two hours a day, I want you to put your phone in your drawer

That way, you remember how to hold a conversation!

I cannot talk to someone under 25 without a-two minutes into the conversation

They pull that phone out and start hitting them buttons

Ah, yeah, ah, yeah, uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh

It's like watching a chimp peel a peanut at the zoo

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah

They act like their phone's their personality, right?

That's all they want to talk about is that phone

I always tell young guys, work on your car

Nobody ever got laid in the back of an iPhone

They love that phone, man

They want to tell you all about it

Look, check out my phone, bro

Check it out, check it out, look at it, look at it

Look at that, look at all the applications

This one tells me the weather in five different places I'll never be

Look at that, that's awesome

You ever notice they never make any grown-up applications?

It's just all to trick kids into blinking lights

Look, it's blinking, it swirls, that's magic

Gonna make something for my age group

Make me a wife app

That way I can scream into that phone

"I'll be home when I said I'll be home"

And then you hit the button, and she hears, honey, I'm a little delayed

I want you to know I was thinking about you

I love you, and I'll be home soon

That shows you how old I am, I just hung up the iPhone, see that?

Get right on the rock