My Brother, Joseph

Instead, what do we do?

We do things like create laws that aren't necessary

We already have the law, don't hire them

They're not going to be here

But we got to outlaws

Ooh, SB 1070 in Arizona

If you look, act, or sound like an illegal

We're going to ask you for your papers

And I'm not even kidding you

When that law first passed

I got over a thousand phone calls from people, organizations

You need to help us protest

You need to boycott Arizona, I will do no such thing

I love that law on a personal level

Because my brother Joseph, who annoys me to no end

Because, how can you live in America

For over 45 years and still say, how are you?

I don't understand it, I don't get it

And that dude moved to Arizona three months before the law passed

And I gave him the down payment

I knew it was going to happen

Because, people, he doesn't even try

Whatever you think about me

Whatever you think about me, people, I try, yeah

1992, I saw myself on HBO

I did a joke where I went, oh, come on, hoes

You don't eat the penis

I went, oh, my God

That accent's not going to sell any tickets outside of Los Angeles

So I bought these enunciation tapes

And I'm at home tryna be a good American going

Ten dwarves took turns doing handstands on the carpet, yeah

My brother Joseph walks in

Hey everybody, we're going to celebrate tonight

I passed the test, I become a citizen of the United States

How did you pass the test?

Was there not a verbal portion in this exam?

He looked at me right in the face and went, it was easy

They gave it to me in Spanish

By the way, that is not a joke

My brother took the test to become an American in Spanish

So you can imagine how happy I was

When I'm watching CNN and that woman signs the bill into law

And 22 seconds later, my phone rings

It's my brother Joseph

I wonder what he has to say, I hit answer

I went like this, hello

This is exactly what I heard come out of his mouth

Samana, bitch

You know, they're going to ask me for my papers

Ironically, my brother really is an American citizen

But he is afraid that they're going to ask him for his papers

So he goes around town

With an American passport in his pocket out of fear, yeah

Ironically, I have a friend who's an actual illegal alien, okay

He's a real illegal

He is not afraid whatsoever of being asked for his papers

Because, he happens to be a white guy from England

Yeah and he lives in Scottsdale, Arizona

So when the law passed

Right two weeks later, I go visit my brother

I call my friend, I'm like, you wanna have lunch?

He says, yes, we're having lunch

I look at him straight in the face and go

Hey man, what are you gonna do, bro?

SB 1070 passed and they're looking for illegals

You're move out?

You're gonna go to another state?

What's going on?

In the calmest voice, he looked at me right in the face and went

Well, that law is not for me

Oh, it's exactly for you, wetback

Oh, come on, he's a wetback

Let's get that out of the way

If we're going to call Mexicans wetbacks

Symbolically speaking, for crossing a river

That wide and that deep

You cross the Atlantic, bitch

You are a wetback cube

He didn't even laugh

He just looked at me right in the face and went

Carlos, look at me

Do you honestly believe that the police

Would ever ask me for me papers?

No, I don't, you son of a bitch

I hate you

God, I hate the truth

'Cause at that moment I realized

That if him and my brother were to get into an altercation

You know what I mean?

And the cops shows up, they're like, break it up right now

You're both going to jail

I need to know why this went down

What's your side of the story, sir?

All right, officer, I'll tell you what happened

I was walking down the street, minding my own business

When from on across the street

I had this bloke yell out, show your papers

So I came across the street and show him the same respect

He showed me by punching him in the face

That's how this started on my behalf

I understand why you did it, sir

What's your side of the story?

Okay, I'm gonna tell you the truth

Right, show me your papers first, sir, please

Okay, that's bullshit, that's bullshit

He was talking funny too, okay?

He was talking funny too

And sometimes he drive on the wrong side of the street

Ask him about that, ask him about that

See, look at some of you, Was he dyslexia?

Whatever, let's just move on