Wait, Wait, Wait

Why do we stay with these life-force-killing-ass-nozzles? Why?

We have all done it, we've all done it

We all did it way too long, except for my father

My father refused, my dad got divorced six times

Well, he actually only had divorced five times

He wouldn't divorce the sixth one

'Cause he said he didn't want people to think he couldn't commit

"I don't want people not take me serious"

Dad, your last marriage was performed in Reno

By an ordained lesbian Elvis impersonator, who you hit on?

And everybody in this room, everyone watching

Everybody I've ever met was destroyed

By a member of the opposite sex early on

And that damage and that cancer

You took into every relationship after that

Everybody, every woman in here got intimidated by a guy

Pushed around a little bit

Now your new boyfriend tickles you too hard, restraining order

Every guy in here had a woman sleep with his best friend

Now your new girl hugs your cousin at

Thanksgiving too long, car bomb, sorry, dude

I got a five-second rule

And my father was destroyed early on, man

My father, my father took no crap from women

That's why he got divorced so many times

Women would, women, nothing, they would do nothing

Hey Kenny, I, I, I gained two pounds, really?

Pack your crap and get your ass out of here right now, lame ass

But I lost weight, yeah, well, I gained two pounds

Pack your crap and get your ass out of here right now

Trying to kill me?

And these women, like, it would, my dad flipped so hard

That these women would be confused

And they, they'd be moving their stuff out of the house

And half of dad's stuff 'cause California is a no-fault state

And they'd always say the same thing to me

And by the way, remember

I'm a little kid at this point, I'm like eight

They'd turn to me, go, "Why is your father like this?"

Um, have you met my mother?

'Cause frankly, she's a Batman villain, oh, yeah

After knowing my mom, I'm surprised my dad

Didn't just roam the countryside, killing hookers with his spoon

Showed up to my high school graduation

In white thigh-high, vinyl, go-go boots and an army jacket

So, obviously, there was something wrong

Or she was commander of the stripper battalion

Their entire relationship was built on

The concrete foundation of sex and mental illness

Which my dad thought was hot, I asked my

"Dad, if she was so nuts, why did you stay with her?"

He said, "Son, anybody can have a relationship

But if you're with a woman who is so crazy in bed

That if you're not wearing your Kevlar one night

You may never see daylight, too, that's exciting"

My mother shot and killed her last husband

Yeah, my dad used to say, "Hey, dodge that bullet, ha-ha"

Manic-depressive, schizophrenic, alcoholic

My umbilical cord was a crazy straw

But both my parents were a little nuts

Just different levels of nuts, you know

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wish list

My mother was on parole and lithium

And they got married young, too

They got married while my dad was in the National Guard

My father fought for his country in the National Guard

Yes, he did, yeah, thanks, thanks, all right, calm down, calm down

He fought in the Watts Riots

Which means he defended liquor stores

Against rocks for a whole weekend one time

But they were liquor stores, so my dad was first man in, last man out

My father was actually busted down

From sergeant three times in the National Guard

Yeah, it turns out you can't take your entire squad

To the Holiday Inn pool and call it the mission

He's militarily qualified to invade a Courtyard Marriott