Quicksand

Hi! Hi! Hello! Hi! Ha ha ha, how are you?

Thank you, that's very nice of you

Thank you, thank you very much

Thank you very much, that's so nice of you

I hope you're having a good week

Thank you for being here

I, uh, am doing well myself

In a couple days I'm gonna turn 29 years old

And I'm very excited about that

I was hoping that by now that I would look older

But it didn't happen

I don't look older, I just look worse, I think

Honestly when I'm walking down the street

No one's ever like, "Hey, look at that man"

I think they're just like

"Whoa, that tall child looks terrible!

Get some rest, tall child!

You can't keep burning the candle at both ends!"

You ever seen on America's Most Wanted

When they age a photo of someone?

Just take my kindergarten photo

And yellow the teeth and put bags under the eyes

And be like "This is what he would look like now"

I was a very nervous kid

I was anxious all the time when I was younger

But what's nice is that some of the things I was anxious about

Don't bother me at all anymore, like, uh

I always though that, uh

Quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be

Because if you watch cartoons, quicksand is like

The third biggest thing you have to worry about in adult life

Behind real sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky

I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand

I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life

I was never like "Oh, what's it gonna be like when relatives ask to borrow money?"

Now I've gotten older; not only have I never stepped in quicksand

I've never even heard about it!

No one's ever been like, "Hey, if you're coming to visit, take I-90

Because I-95 has a little quicksand in the middle

Looks like regular sand, but then you're start to sink into it"