If I'm gonna drink a beer, it better say "root" before it

There's no legal drinking age, and it's easier to quit

If I'm gonna be smoking, it better be beef

Just choose how you want it, it'll turn out neat

It's the side effects that I avoid

No fighting in a bar

No crashing into cars

The aftermath of being somebody else

No fake IDs, ain't the guy I wanna be

My lungs don't hurt, and they don't burn

Oh, what they're worth

That blurry sight, that just ain't wise

I don't wanna pay that price

Those things I do reject 'cause of the side effects

At church, I learned about some things that set you free

About the Word of Wisdom in D&C

Those rules were made a long time ago

By the Man Upstairs to a guy nicknamed Joe

It's the side effects that I avoid

No fighting in a bar

No crashing into cars

The aftermath of being somebody else

No fake IDs, ain't the guy I wanna be

My lungs don't hurt, and they don't burn

Oh, what they're worth

That blurry sight, that just ain't wise

I don't wanna pay that price

Those things I do reject 'cause of the side effects