If These Dogs Could Talk

There's a three-legged beagle who lays there spread eagle

On the driveway outside Patti's trailer

He looks like he's sleepin', but he knows she's dealin'

And that she's been bonin' the neighbor

There's a mean little poodle we call Cranky Doodle

Ridin' high in Lynnette's Vera Bradley

He'll take to the grave that her husband is gay

'Cause Doodle likes chewin' his panties

If these dogs could talk, they'd sure tell on you

We're all lucky barkin' is all they can do

They dig up your secrets, they know all your trash

The tales they could tell, the tongues they could wag

God knows what they'd say, might ruin your day

If these dogs could talk

There's a brown mutt named Patience, she's always waitin'

For scraps outside of the diner

Leroy is servin', one thing's for certain

A hamburger steak always finds her

He may be a meth head who smokes up his paycheck

But everyone needs a best friend

She may be blind, but she sees him just fine

And don't care what they say about him

If these dogs could talk, they'd sure tell on you

We're all lucky barkin' is all they can do

They dig up your secrets, they know all your trash

The tales they could tell, the tongues they could wag

God knows what they'd say, might ruin your day

If these dogs could talk

They could sniff out the cheaters and point out the liars

Shit on their lawns and piss on their tires

They can smell kindness, so maybe be kinder

And don't even think about kickin' one

They dig up your secrets, they know all your trash

The tales they could tell, the tongues they could wag

God knows what they'd say, might ruin your day

If these dogs could talk

God knows what they'd say, might make someone's day

If these dogs could talk