Dearly Beloved

And this may not be our wedding, like the one we had in mind

But it's still a celebration of its own special kind

Sit your ass down

We've got noodles

We've got beers (ignore him)

We've got Chinese cover versions of the hits of Britney Spears

Here's a steeple

Here's the band

Here's a crowd of hungry people who don't really understand

And who's that coming down the aisle?

A satin veil across her winsome smile

Ladies and Gentlemen, the bride!

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here tonight

Before this gorgeous congregation (that's good, yes, work the room)

The sweetcorn soup is free here

I'm glad you all could be here for this spectacular occasion

We got dim sum

We got booze

We got 1960's carpet, and it's sticking to my shoes

We got pictures

Hung with pride

Of celebrities who ate here and have subsequently died

We got moonlight (we got strip lights)

We got cash (do you have cash?)

We got something borrowed something blue and all that other trash

We got chow mein (we got chow mein, we got champagne)

That's not champagne

We got 70 bewildered people who I'm never gonna see again

And who's that preaching from the stand?

With a Bible and some chopsticks in his hand

Good evening reverend

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

No, don't make him Irish, it's too obvious

Make him like, Greek

GreeK? Right

Dearly beloved, would you kindly settle down

Can someone wake up uncle Trevor

If there is some objection

To this divine connection

Speak now or hold your peace forever

If anyone knows of any just cause why (I object!)

On what grounds?

They hardly know each other

To the pure and heart, all things are pure

The groom is the brides nephew

God is forgiving

We got sweets (we got sour)

We got spice (can I get some ice?)

We got every lasting happiness, and it comes with a side of rice

We got spring rolls (we got spring rolls)

We got roast duck (we got roast duck)

We didn't go to the wedding, and we don't give a fuck (don't give a fuck)

Dearly beloved (dearly beloved) we are gathered here today

We are gathered here tonight

With all these witnesses before us

I see their smiling faces flicker in the light

I see their hopes and dreams unite

I see them trying to ignore us

And this may not be the greatest wedding money can provide

But I've got this tiny cookie with a secret wrapped inside