I drive past an old woman

With permed white hair

Tending to her garden in the winter

My hands grip tightly

To the faux-leather wheel of the 2007 Volvo

My father bought for me

I arrive at a cafe

With all intention of reading a good book

And enjoying a flat white

Unfortunately I'm too embarrassed

When confronted with a group of personal trainers

Who whilst not very good at school

Are now more than proficient at telling people how to exercise

And carefully curating social media profiles

Pretentious soft boy

Pretentious soft boy

All too well do I remember myself

Roaming the streets

Clad in a light blue lacoste tracksuit

The sounds of the eminem show

Blaring lazily into my ears

Via my portable sony discman

I continue to convince myself of my superiority

Stemming from the transition to skinny jeans when I was 16

A brief stint as an emo

Is an essential stage in the development

Of any modern metrosexual

Pretentious soft boy

Pretentious soft boy

I don't care that I'm gaining weight

I don't care that I'm gaining weight

Pretentious soft boy

Pretentious soft boy

One of the pack saunters past me

And I'm smacked in the face

With the stench of Paco Rabanne One Million

As I scoff in judgement

I find myself fixated upon

The sight of a perfectly defined glute

Suddenly

I am consumed with jealousy