Unlike My Ex-Wife

I've read profiles aplenty since being on this site

Of men between 60 and 72

Presenting their bona fides

A partner for life is their vehement wish

In their photos, they're hugging a grandchild in didies

Or they're out on a sailboat

Upholding a dirty martini

Or a newly dead fish

After age, height, weight, race

Other details of note that might place them in space

Comes their answer to the prompt

"I'll know I've found the one when..."

Which is obviously a little device inviting you to finish the sentence

But virtually nobody plays along

Instead

They describe their requirements

For the ultimate "Her"

Not a few things to say

Others I might infer

"I want a woman who's tender and kind

Thoughtful and cheerful, loyal and true

She'll make me a promise and carry it through

Unlike my ex-wife

Unlike my ex-wife

Unlike my awful ex-wife"

"Looks awesome in heels, has a logical mind

Makes gluten-free pie and enough time for me

Zero baggage, 100 percent drama-free

Unlike my ex-wife

Unlike my ex-wife

Unlike my screeching ex-wife"

"I need a woman who loves the outdoors"

Hey, that's me, for God's sake!

All those people who'd rather stay indoors all day

Can go jump in a lake

"I like a lady who's patient and sweet

Shows me her cards, knows how to dress

Always open, much like the Midtown CVS"

"Unlike my ex-wife

Unlike my ex-wife

You wouldn't believe the vile secrets she hid

Though you'd like my ex-wife

Like everyone did

Like everyone did"

"Be unlike my ex-wife

Unlike my ex-wife

Unlike my cheating ex-wife

My evil ex-wife

My devious ex-wife

The petulant shrew who despoiled my life

More deadly than I-95 or a butterfly knife

Be unlike my effing ex-wife"

"Don't be crass or indecent

Trust your photos are recent

Also, no out-of-towners

No Debbie Downers

Like my ex-girlfriend

Who might any day

Reappear on the scene

Her name is Darlene

Darlene

Darlene"