I Got off the Plane

Anyway, shall we watch some Friends?

Yeah great

Did she get off the plane??? Did she get off the plane???

I got off the plane!

You got off the plane…

I mean… this SCENE. Huge.

God yeah this was like the soundtrack to my YOUTH

I mean, sorry, but it’s no wonder our love lives are SO tragic… because THIS is the kind of heteronormative cliché we grew up with. Like, seriously, it just makes me wanna say to the whole goddamn era:

Nice one, early noughties!

Thank you cos you taught me

Some man

Derailing your plans

Of flying to France

Is the height of all romance

Great job! Cos when this scene’s on

I recollect how each Friends season

You were like

“There is just no way

That a love stor-ay

Would be even slightly gay!”

We’ve seen

This scene

Again and again and again and again

And it’s so dated

Yeah it’s so brain-dead

And it’s so

Yeah it’s so

Oh it’s sooooo

IT’S SO FUCKING GOOD

IT MAKES ME WANNA DIE

IT’S SO FUCKING GOOD

I’M GOUGING OUT MY EYE

AND THEN THE OTHER EYE, YEAH

When she left that flight

It broke me apart

So perfect and right

It tore out my heart

And fucked up my brain

So FUCK YOU RACH EL ANDROSS

Fuck you both for sayin’

I got off the plane

D’you know what though. It’s no wonder Ross and Rachel got into our heads. Cos really, “Ross” and “Rachel” were kinda everywhere in culture…

Go on…

Like, if you think about it, it was basically Rachel Capulet choosing Rosseo over Paris in fair Verona

“Rosseo, Rosseo, wherefore art thou Rosseo?”.

Oh and Rachel Winslet getting off the lifeboat to be with Ross Dicaprio

“Paint me like one of your French Rachels”

“I’m just a Rachel, standing in front of a Ross, asking him to love her”

“You come to me on the day of my Rachel’s wedding”

Like, whether he was Ross the superhero, Ross the tennis player, Ross the animated sports car, it was always just that same story of Ross getting his Rachel reward in the end

Which I’m sure did wonders for both our psyches…

So…

Here’s to our favourite pair

For being e-ve-rywhere

On screen

On stage

Each time

The same paradigm

Of a boy that gets the girl

Thank god it was omnipresent

So we could absorb when pre-pubescent

“I exist just to be won”

“And I’ll find no one!”

Gee thanks, Ross and Rachel

We’ve seen

This scene

Again and again and again and again

And it’s so retro

Yeah it’s so het’ro

And it’s soo

Yeah it’s sooo

Oh it’s soooo problematic I actually can’t watch it again.

As if. No,

IT’S SO FUCKING GOOD

IT TEARS ME TO BITS

IT’S SO FUCKING GOOD

IT GIVES ME THE BLUES

AND THEN THE SHITS! YEAH!

When

She comes back to Ross

It fills me with rage

All pop culture was

Was Rosses and Rachels

Rotting my brain

SO FUCK YOU RACH’L AND ALSOROSS

Cos all of that pain

It’s all there when you’re sayin’

I got off the plane

FUCK YOU ROSS FUCK YOU RACHOOWWWW

WE’RE FUCKED UP BECAUSE OF YOWWWW

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

COS IT’S YOUR FUCKING FAULT-

Alright ALRIGHT, d’you know what, we’ve had enough of this

Yeah maybe we should just take a break…

Okay - look. Obviously the culture you grew up with, it wasn’t the most representative, wasn’t the most empowering, and yes, it affected you

But like, you’re the ones choosing to watch this ancient TV show over and over again?

 

Yeah there’s this other thing you could watch - oh what’s it called, I was recommended it the other day… oh yeah - LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE

And more importantly: everyone else you know - straight, queer - they all grew up watching the same crap as you. And guess what? They’re all fine.

Lots of them are even in relationships!

So maybe the problem isn’t that we fucked you up for life…

Maybe the problem..is you?

It’s so fucking true

Of course, the problem’s us

Fuck, it’s fucking true

It’s not Rachel and …Russ

WE’RE SO FUCKING FUCKED!

The truth is clear and plain

It’s OUR fault no one’s sayin’…

I got off the plane