Now, if you're following me on twitt-er you know I had diarrhea today

Am I using that website properly?

Sometimes I like to sit on the toilet reverse

"We're listening"

Its nice right? You can turn around; you can lean on the tank. "I'm gonna be here for a while"

Yea, the people that are clapping right now are the ones like "Ok, all kidding aside, he is a genius"

No no no. It's the simplicity

I've been sitting on that thing my whole life, you're telling me I can turn around have a bowl of cereal? Yea?

Set the alarm ten minutes later? Multitask

All right, nobody should eat while on the toilet

"But I'm lactose intolerant and i've always wanted to enjoy a bowl of puffins with whole milk"

It's more of an almond milk cereal but live your dream

Somebody emailed me and they were like "Hey dipshit"

Huh, which for the record is a wonderful subject line if you ever want me to read your emails

"Oh, lets see what this nice fan has to say

"You had me at hello"

Like "You know you have to take your pants completely off to sit on the toilet backwards."

Touché

All right, so I don't research, it's a pre-shower shit agreed?

Can we move on sticklers to every joke detail?

You ever have a post shower shit?

Oh, might as well go back to bed and start your whole day over

Things are wrong, that's not the order of events, there's a glitch in the matrix, this worlds not real, "Mom! Wipe me!"

I recently started flat-ironing my ball hair

Come no ladies you know how it is, if you have curly hair you just want straight hair

So now when people see my balls they're like "Oh my goodness that looks really really good

Isn't that damaging to the hair?" I'm like, "Yea, but what are you gonna do?"

I wish Victoria Beckham would knock it off with all the cute do's I can't keep up

My balls still have the '06 posh

Remember that little trendy l! ittle cut?

Posh spice? Looks like my testicles

Am I the only person that hopes David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt?

I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood but make it happen before one of ems out of their prime

Can you imagine those two men together making love?

Oh, if there's a man in here that's junk doesn't wiggle just a little bit at the thought of those two men together

This has nothing to do with your homophobic sexual preference, at that level it's art you monkey, okay?

You should be honored that you share the same restroom with those Greek gods

Can you imagine if they had a child? "Ahhhhh"

"The f- was that simba?

What the fuck was that Simba?

That's the beckham Pitt kid?

That's pittcum?

The most beautiful child the world has ever seen?"

Picture baby Jesus, with better abs

That's a good-looking baby

If they ha a baby Abercrombie store they'd hire him to work the front door, right?

Just standing there, shirtless, propped up, he can't stand yet

Just leaning against the wall

Big poster, big poster of himself just standing there, little tight pampers

And you'd walk in and you'd be like " I don't wanna say this, but I wanna fuck that baby"

Oh man do I wanna fuck that baby

If I had three wishes two of them would be to fuck that baby and one would be for more wishes

Oh you can't do that. Then I wanna fuck the baby a third time

"I would like to use all three wishes banging that baby."

Go ahead dumb people be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise

Oh I'd love to read your email

"I felt you went over the line a bit, when you theoretically wanted to fornicate with a mythical child"

Heads up Mormons this jokes gonna sting

Next time a golden plate falls from the heavens, go ahead and put it in your spam file

Lets' not base your entire life on a religion that's old enough for my dad to be like, "Oh yea, that's not true

Ah, that didn't happen

I don't know why the! y're wearing their pajamas under their clothes

I assume their god wants them to be comfy"

The Mormon Church spent twenty million dollars in the state of California, making sure that queers didn't legally get married

Successfully I might add

So I guess we're not all as liberal as we thought

And this is what I say to the most conservative person, that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal

Just because the state says its legal, its not like God's gonna let them into Heaven. Okay?

So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates just going

"You're not getting in here faggots"