Master of the House

Come on, you old pest

Fetch a bottle of your best

What's the nectar of the day?

Here, try this lot

Guaranteed to hit the spot

Or I'm not Thénardier

Give us a glass of rum

Landlord, over here!

Right away, you scum

Right away, monsieur

God, this place has gone to hell

So you tell me every year

Mine host Thénardier

He was there so they say

At the field of Waterloo

Got there, it's true

When the fight was all through

But he knew just what to do

Crawling through the mud, so I've heard it said

Picking through the pockets of the English dead

He made a tidy score

From the spoils of war

My band of soaks

My den of dissolutes

My dirty jokes

My always pissed-as-newts

My sons of whores

Spend their lives in my inn

Homing pigeons homing in

They fly through my doors

And their money's good as yours

Ain't got a clue

What he put into this stew

Must have scraped it off the street

God, what a wine!

Châteauneuf de Turpentine

Must have pressed it with his feet

Landlord, over here

Where's the bloody man?

One more for the road

One more slug of gin

Just one more

Or my old man is gonna do me in

Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down

And meet the best innkeeper in town

As for the rest, all of 'em crooks

Rooking their guests and cooking the books

Seldom do you see

Honest men like me

A gent of good intent

Who's content to be

Master of the house, doling out the charm

Ready with a handshake and an open palm

Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir

Customers appreciate a bon viveur

Glad to do a friend a favor

Doesn't cost me to be nice

But nothing gets you nothing

Everything has got a little price!

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo

Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two

Watering the wine, making up the weight

Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight

Everybody loves a landlord

Everybody's bosom friend

I do whatever pleases

Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!

Master of the house, quick to catch your eye

Never wants a passerby to pass him by

Servant to the poor, a butler to the great

Comforter, philosopher and lifelong mate

Everybody's boon companion

Everybody's chaperone

But lock up your valises

Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!

Enter Monsieur, lay down your load

Unlace your boots and rest from the road

This weighs a ton, travel's a curse

But here we strive to lighten your purse

Here the goose is cooked

Here the fat is fried

But nothing's overlooked

Till I'm satisfied

Food beyond compare, food beyond belief

Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef

Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat

Filling up the sausages with this and that

Residents are more than welcome

Bridal suite is occupied

Reasonable charges

Plus some little extras on the side

Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice

Two percent for looking in the mirror twice

Here a little slice, there a little cut

Three percent for sleeping with the window shut

When it comes to fixing prices

There are a lot of tricks he knows

How it all increases, all the bits and pieces

Jesus, it's amazing how it grows!

Master of the house, quick to catch your eye

Never wants a passerby to pass him by

Servant to the poor, a butler to the great

Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate

Everybody's boon companion

Give 'em everything I've / he's got

Dirty bunch of geezers

Jesus, what a sorry little lot

I used to dream that I would meet a prince

But God almighty, have you seen what's happened since?

"Master of the house" isn't worth my spit!

"Comforter, philosopher" and lifelong shit

Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire

Thinks he's quite a lover, but there's not much there

What a cruel trick of nature

Landed me with such a louse

God knows how I've lasted

Living with this bastard in the house!

Master of the house

Master and a half

Comforter, philosopher

Don't make me laugh!

Servant to the poor, a butler to the great

Hypocrite and toady and inebriate

Everybody bless the landlord

Everybody bless his spouse

Everybody raise a glass

Raise it up the master's ass

Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house