Jerry Likes My Corn

Jerry likes the way I do my corn

Isn't he a treasure?

More corn!

Look at how he chows right through my corn

It's my only pleasure

I boil it on the hot plate

Till all the juice is gone

Bless his soul

He knows which side my corn is buttered on

Jerry lacks a mother's tender care

Nobody to need him

Mothers now are barely ever there

Someone's gotta feed him

The kind of things that I like

His high school friends all scorn

Cottage cheese, chamomile

Dr. Norman Vincent Peale

But, Jerry likes my corn

The things you do for me, Jerry

You're my Gibraltar

The corn is out of this world!

Oh, did I do it nicely?

He always compliments me on the way I do my corn!

Jerry is a son like my own two

Sons who never phone you

More salt?

Boys have more important things to do

After they disown you

And though he hardly says much

I understand his grunts

'Hey' means 'hi'

'Yo' means 'yes'

Believe me, he's no dunce!

Anything that breaks, he knows which tool

Jerry is a fixer

Not her

Happy hour starts right after school

Jerry, have a mixer

He tells me things the kids like

And I just feel reborn

Mountain Dew, Super Bowl

Sex and drugs and rock n' roll

But, most of all, my corn

Jerry, you know what I'd like?

Some music

I'm happier when I'm singing than anything I've ever done

Since I was born

See if you can find that song

Oh, you know the one I just adore

Let me help, Mother Darling, I'm extremely organized

I know exactly where to look for that record

No! Let Jerry

I've got it under control, kid, I can find it

Jerry can find things in his house, right on this bed

You couldn't find for half an hour

I'm so sick of that kid!

I mean, I have great pity for him and I like him

The trouble is she's madly in love with him

Oh, pardon me, but it's true

Well, he might as well leave right now

'Cause he's never gonna get it so that's it!

Get what? Sex with you?

That's all they're after! That's all they're after!

An old person like you? Good god!

Tomcats! All of 'em!

So you might as well tell him right now to forget about it

Jerry doesn't want any sex with you

Jerry likes his own age

Oh yes!

Kids at seventeen do not pursue

Relics of the stone age (Believe me, I can tell these things!)

Jerry doesn't want any sex with you

Jerry isn't crazy

Adolescent girls now are easy lays

Same as Edie in her awkward phase

Jerry has a new girl every night

And not a one of them have cellulite

He's gonna be here for years and years and years

He doesn't want any sex with you! Get out of here!

I want the people I want in this house!

Go away! You're making me very angry!

Jerry doesn't fight like two fishwives

Jerry likes relaxing

Me too

Now and then we play my forty-fives

Hear the old sad sax sing

No picnic, growing older

Abandoned and forlorn

Stuck in bed, stiff with gout

Alcoholic drinks are out

"You'll die"

The doctors warn

Then quick as a wink

I'm in the pink

'Cause Jerry likes my corn

I tell ya, that boy is a gift