The Scarlet Pimpernel

Lud love me such conjecturing

Could drive a man insane!

And I'm the one to set

This gossip quite to rest

The Pimpernel is me!

Indeed, and I'm the queen of Spain!

The Pimpernel is nothing

But a nosy pest!

No, the vicar says the Pimpernel's

A bishop in disguise

Who gives absolution

Night and day!

Stuff and nonsense! Don't you know

He's a maharajah from Bombay?

They say he has enormous feet!

And that he tends to overeat!

I've heard he's fussy with his food

And eats his breakfast in the nude!

Is he robust

Or very pale?

At least we know he's male!

Who is the Scarlet Pimpernel?

Me sister says his breath

Is sweeter than an Irish rose!

I'm sure I'd fall in love

If he would cross my path!

La, yes if you could overlook

The warts upon his nose

And possibly persuade him

He should take a bath!

Rumor has it he's Castilian!

He's a reckless buccaneer!

And I hear he carries sev'ral whips

Several.... whips?!

He's a sultan from Kabul

With women at his fingertips!

They say he's nearly eight feet tall!

And yet quite graceful -

Folderol!

I'm told he waddles when he walks

And often twitches when he talks!

Is he a dolt?

He's very deep!

Oh, England's losing sleep!

Who is this blasted Pimpernel?

The butcher in the village

Claims he saw the man last week

Where?

Galloping his camel 'cross the moor!

He's been seen

Wearing full Blakeney green!

I've told you all before!

The fella's me!

It's George the Third!

Perhaps a convict run amok?

This Pimpernel could be most any sod!

How dare you?

Bite your tongue

He is dashing and young!

The Pimpernel's a god

And he'll find me

And he'll wake me

And he'll take me

Down on a haystack

He'll face me

Then at last you could tell

If he's a hero or a monk

A fiddling Nero or a drunk!

Who is the Scarlet Pimpernel?

It's me, it's me!

I'm sure he's flatulent and crass!

Hear, hear! The man's a horse's ass!

No, no! He's neighborly and kind

But quite erotically inclined

Whatever guise he may employ

He's England's pride and joy!

This plucky non-pareil!

This lucky bloody swell!

Who is the Scarlet Pimpernel?