I like Los Angeles and I like California most of all

And if you know anything about me you know that I detest elsewhere

That would be the rest of America, by the way

Where they point at planes when they're flying over and wonder

Where they're gonna go that's cool later when they land

That part of America

'Cause we live in LA and this isn't

America by any stretch of the imagination

This is a swirling vortex of baby-killing

Gay celebrity every moment of our lives here

But travel east like eighteen minutes and you'll fucking find America

Whenever shit is being kicked and mullets

Are worn and date rape is a-brewin'

That's where America is, ladies and gentlemens

People, we, 'cause we all live here in LA, right?

And yet everyone is from somewhere else, clearly

I mean, maybe

I mean, there's probably someone here from

Like Claremont or some fucking nonsense

And that's your emotional trauma to deal with

But mostly people come from elsewhere and they live here

And yet they insist on telling me where they're from

Even though we've all come here and chosen to share

The same delusion that somehow fortune will favor us

And that the gods will smile down upon us here

Because Hollywood's not a city, Hollywood's an idea

Held simultaneously by like a million assholes

And since we're all laboring under the same illusion why

Must people insist on telling me where they emanate from?

Whatever horrible godforsaken Christian shithole

Do you know that there's people from the Midwest?

For real, they're here amongst us

People from the Midwest have infiltrated this area code

And they're walking amongst us like the living dead

They really, and yet they always tell me where they're from

People come up to me and go "Hey Greg, I'm from Buttermilk, Indiana"

And I'll think "That's fucked"

Why tell me? Why harsh my mellow? Why bring me down?

I was doing nothing and yet you've decided to drop Indiana on me

And "But where I'm from" sucks, I'm guessing

That's why you came here, right?

You moved to California from Indiana

You notice no one moves from Los

Angeles to the Indiana area at any point

You don't find an LA neighborhood in the middle of Indianapolis

With a bunch of people smoking bongs

And playing hacky sack and shit all day

And whining about shit, wearing watch caps

That doesn't happen

And then "But where I come from there's Jesus"

We don't have Jesus here, okay?

That's why we moved here, alright?

We don't have BTK killers or Children

Of the Corn or high school basketball

We don't give a fuck, we have actual stuff here that happens

We don't

Our Lord is a Jewish guy who works at Paramount, okay?

And you have to teabag him to get what you want

That's how our lives work here

We have important goals we're striving toward

I worship that man

"But it's so crowded here in Los"

Yeah, crowded in LA

Fucking popular, alright?

That's why you can't park in LA

Fucking lots of people, they wanna come here and stuff

Go to Indiana, park wherever you like, you know what I mean?

Pull right up into the vacant lot next to the revival meeting with the

Snake chasing and the Christian molesting and whatever and the high

School basketball rape tent or

Whatever the fuck is going on out there

With fat people with giant lesbian haircuts and

Upside down glasses wearing Crocs and fanny packs

Eating deep fried Twinkies at the

State fair watching pig races and shit

Because the ultimate goal is to be so large you have to be buried

In a piano case and lifted from a crane from your double wide mobile

Home and then interred in some horrible consecrated piece of ground

That was once a Civil War battlefield that they're pissed about

Because they fought the Civil War so a

Black guy wouldn't have to be president ever

And why share that with me?

"But where I live"

Yeah, you're here now, try to blend in, okay?

You're aspirational, you're trying for the 213, you live in the 310

Let's move it up a notch, okay?

Get a piercing, get a tattoo, whatever it takes

Carry an iguana on your shoulder, have

That substitute for your personality

So many people do

Start an online zine

I know, go to Kings Road, open up your computer and pretend to write

A screenplay like every other

Cocksucker named Josh from your shithole

Hi Brandon