Alright now, boys and girls, we've got another story for you now

We want to introduce to you another friend of the Bible

Hell yeah

Hell yeah

Hell yeah

Hell yeah

If I were God, there would be no explicit sex on TV

Like little Opie eating pie when he made it with Aunt Bee

If I were God, thou shall not worship false Billy Idols

And thou shall add the Book Of Flavor Flav to the Bible

Thou shall make fun of Hindus, thou shall not make a "Speed 2"

If I were God, that's what I'd do, Heavens, no

Hell yeah

Hell yeah

Hell yeah

Hell yeah

If I were God, I'd get a bunch of slaves to do everything

Norwegian lesbians that feed me grapes and know how to sing

If I were God, thou shall not wear tube socks with flip-flops

Thou shall sit and thou shall spin, thou shall even wife swap

Thou shall resist the Olsen Twins, thou shall not cut "Footloose"

If I were God, that's what I'd do, Heavens, no

Hell yeah

Hell yeah

Hell yeah

Hell yeah

And when they nail my pimpled ass to the cross

I'll tell them I found Jesus, that should throw them off

He goes by the name Jesús and steals hubcaps from cars

Oh, Jesús can I borrow your crowbar?

To pry these God damn nails out, they're beginning to hurt

Crucified, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt

"I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!", I'll sing as I'm flogged

Yeah, that's what I would do if I were God

So vote for me for Savior and you'll go to Heaven

Your lame duck Lord is like Kevin Spacey in "Se7en"

With creepy threats of H-E-Double-Hockey-Stick

You just can't teach an old God new tricks

But would I be a good Messiah with my low self-esteem?

If I don't believe in myself, would that be blasphemy?

Just sport some crummy "holier than thou" facade

Yeah, that's what I would do if I were God