Billericay Dickie

Good evening, I'm from Essex In case you couldn't tell My given name is Dickie I come from Billericay And I'm doing very well Had a love affair with Nina In the back of my Cortina A seasoned-up hyena Could not have been more obscener She took me to the cleaners And other misdemeanours But I got right up between her Rum and her Ribena Well, you ask Joyce and Vicky If candy-floss is sticky I'm not a blinking thicky I'm Billericay Dickie And I'm doing very well I bought a lot of Brandy When I was courting Sandy Took eight to make her randy And all I had was shandy Another thing with Sandy What often came in handy Was passing her a mandy She didn't half go bandy So, you ask Joyce and Vicky If I ever took the mickey I'm not a flipping thicky I'm Billericay Dickie And I'm doing very well I'd rendezvous with Janet Quite near the Isle of Thanet She looked more like a gannet She wasn't half a prannet Her mother tried to ban it Her father helped me plan it And when I captured Janet She bruised her pomegranate Oh, you ask Joyce and Vicky If I ever shaped up tricky I'm not a blooming thicky I'm Billericay Dickie And I'm doing very well You should never hold a candle If you don't know where it's been The jackpot is in the handle On a normal fruit machine So, you ask Joyce and Vicky Who's their favourite brickie I'm not a common thicky I'm Billericay Dickie And I'm doing very well I know a lovely old toe-rag Obliging and noblesse Kindly, charming shag from Shoeburyness My given name is Dickie I come from Billericay I thought you'd never guess So, you ask Joyce and Vicky A pair of squeaky chickies I'm not a flaming thicky I'm Billericay Dicky And I'm doing very well Oh golly, oh gosh Come and lie on the couch With a nice bit of posh From Burnham-on-Crouch My given name is Dickie I come from Billericay And I ain't a slouch So, you ask Joyce and Vicky About Billericay Dickie I ain't an effing thicky You ask Joyce and Vicky I'm doing very well