Waiter, Oh Waiter

Waiter, oh, waiter, please come to my rescue

I cannot understand a word that's written on this menu

Not that I'm unaccustomed to this kind of smart cuisine

But what you've handed me is in a language I've never seen.

And the way my companion here keeps gazing over at me

Makes me feel like I'm drifting further and further out to sea

Everything looks so frightening

Everything here looks so nice.

Oh, waiter, please waiter!

I really need your advice.

Waiter, oh, waiter, I feel so embarrassed

If this is really French it's not the kind they use in Paris

What is this crab and lobster foam? What's in this cassoulet?

While my companion's so at home, so terribly au fait.

I need some words of wisdom I need you to take my side

For very soon I know will come the moment to decide

Won't you help me through this menu

Won't you please just catch my eye

So waiter oh, waiter!

Please help me out tonight.

Underneath that stiff tuxedo you must be human too,

You'll have had your days of heartbreak

And days when your dreams came true

So, waiter oh, waiter! Please help me out tonight.

Waiter, oh, waiter please come to my rescue

Oh let this be the sort of thing your service can extend to.

Not that I'm unaccustomed to this kind of smart cuisine

But this menu is as baffling as anything I've ever seen.

And the way he looks across at me with his sardonic gaze

Makes me feel I'm drifting further out into the choppy waves

Everything looks so frightening, everything here looks so nice.

Oh, waiter please waiter!

I really need your advice

Underneath that stiff tuxedo you must be human too

You'll have had your days of heartbreak

And days when your dreams came true

So, waiter, oh, waiter!

Please help me out tonight.