Weight

Guys, we got an obesity problem in this country

And I know you're like, is this dude about to make fun of fat people

While using his stomach as an armrest?

And the answer is yes

I sure am, okay, you don't have to clap

It's not supposed to be the funniest thing I've said so far, okay?

I, I understand where I'm at with this body

There's so many little signs that tell you

You need to-, you need to fix it, all right?

You need to get it, get it together

Like, I'm in a wave now, where if I raise my hand higher than this

I got to fix my clothes when I put it back down

Little signs, little signs let you know it's time to clean it up

Had another one recently

When I was on a airplane and the Delta flight attendant

Asked me to switch seats to balance out a 747

That will ruin your day, instantly

And I know it wasn't me, all right?

I know it wasn't me

It was where I was sitting versus where there were too many empty seats

But when you're a little self-conscious about your weight

You can't process that, you can't rationalize

That's not what you hear

What you hear is "Uh, sir, if you go ten feet that way, the whole plane will fly properly

Could you help us out? Could you help us out?

Thank you, thank you"

It's very kind

And if you have to use the restroom, please ring your call button

So we can send two people back to your seat, I don't want this

I don't want to go nose-up right into the sun, okay?

I've got to-

Yes, I'll give you some extra Biscoff cookies

For this hassle, yes, I will

I know they're your favorite, yes

I don't know, I think this is going to be my year to get it back, you guys

That wasn't supposed to be funny either, man

I'm a little optimistic

My weight's gone up and down

My entire life and I blame the Book It program, um

Some of you know if you're unfamiliar

When I was in elementary school

Pizza Hut decided

That the best way to solve the illiteracy problem

Was to offer children a free personal pan pizza

If they read four books or told their teacher that they read four books

And it was great

It was great when you were a kid

You got pizza for doing homework

But 25 years later, nobody's making you read books

You're hooked on pizza, that's kind of what I'm going through right now