My Stalker

So, I've been dealing with a stalker

And it was legit, okay

I don't, I cannot even fathom how I found myself in this situation, but I did

I started getting, about a year ago, thousands of, uh, DMs on Instagram

You know DMs, or direct messages

It's like texts that you can send to whoever allows them to be accessed

And I always keep it open to my fans, and people write me stuff all the time, I love it

Throw back a 'hello' or whatever

Every once in a while, I get stuff that's a little off-kilter

Somebody has a bleached asshole picture, and they send it to me thinking I, maybe that's what I'm in the mood for

But I noticed, about a year ago that, I started getting, uhm, thousands of messages from one woman's account

And when I really investigated, I was like, oh, wow

I remember I was sitting there and I was like, well she has sent me, a-a-a message every minute of every day, every minute

Oh look - 10:42 am: "Where you at, baby?"

10:43 am: "Been looing all over for you, bab-"

You know baby with like 15 'A's, that's baaby by the way but fuck it, that's not-

And so I would look and then finally it was like, you know, like 4:14 am, she would be, "Where the fucking are you, Dane Cook?

I'm looking for Dane Cook." And they got increasingly more and more off-kilter, strange

So, over the course of a couple of weeks, they got, uh, then they were like all capital letters

And then it just turned into like, I couldn't even make out what she was getting at

And it just kept going on like rambles and rambles

And I was sitting at lunch, uh, with a friend and I finally said, "You got to see all these, every minute"

And my buddy goes, "Yo, she just sent a video." And when I looked, she'd sent me a video

And I was like, "I gotta know"

You know, sometimes when you hit play on a video, before it catches the Wi-Fi, there's that moment where, it's, it's gotta find a signal

So, whatever the video is, it's just frozen on one, still

It was her face and she was like this -

And it just stayed like that for a second and I wanna be, again really straightforward about how I felt about everything that I experienced when I saw this video

And I saw her face, she was very, very ugly

She has horribly, ugly, fucking face

She looked like a rock with makeup on

And the video plays and she's screaming and pacing

She goes, "Where the fuck are you, Dane Cook? I wanna know where Dane Cook is and why the fucking you won't call me back"

(You need to fucking call me back, Dane Cook)

She's sieving, she's spiting onto the camera

And it's so fucking loud screaming, wherever she was I know people must have been

And she's, "You need to fucking call me," and then it ends

I'm sitting there, I almost, and I was like, I never had, had anybody yell at me like this

My whole life, I never had anybody yell at me, and scream at me like that

It was so unsettling, and as I was tryna, really, figure out what would have made her so upset

I looked down, and she sent me another video

And in the second video, she was crying, she was wiping tears

She's, "This isn't me, this isn't me, this isn't us"

She said that, she said this isn't me, this isn't us

And she just, she was weeping

And she looks so sad, she looks so downtrod, and she-

It pulled you into that same level of emotion, right, I found myself, you know what?

I'm gonna cry a lot so the plane will go by so it'll be a lot of crying

Everybody watches

I can just see Marty, my director he's going like this and then I stretched

Let that fucking aircraft go by

We'll just get some extra crying

We'll cut around trust me

Ooh, I did my best, I did my best

That's a call back to Vicious Circle, that's for you Marty

Okay, the plane's gone, let's keep going

Here we go

Anyway, shh, shut up, ready?

Do what you were doing before, okay

Get in that same mindset

So, she was very sad, and that in turn, it made me emotional

So, as she was crying so hard that I was almost mirroring, but I didn't know

I was like, I was watching like I'm not crying, but something, you know

I'm like, I'm in it with her

The video ends

11 minutes later, she sends me another video, and fuck yes, I'm playing it

I need to know what emotion is next on the seven levels of grief, that I'm receiving

When I hit play on the third video, this woman who'd gone from being so, I rate over the top furious anger, to then being so despondent, and sullen, and low

In the third video, she was just staring, just staring, just staring into the ca-

Nothing, no emotions, staring and breathing like-

And I'm watching, and I'm staring, I'm breathing as well, I'm j-

And then she did something that I will never not see

I'll never got this image out of my mind, for the rest of my life

She looked a little bit closer into the camera and her eyes went a little wide

And then she ate almonds

Oh, I watched the whole fucking video

I was transfixed, I actually counted

She put nine almonds, nine almonds in her mouth, and then she never chewed

Never chewed, I challenge you to go home tonight, put nine goddamn almonds in your mouth and don't chew

What the fuck lady?

The, the video ends and I, I didn't even know where I'm at with this

I'm just like that, wow, this is all, this is a very strange individual but I wasn't scared

Why wasn't I scared? Because part was like, you know, I was a little concerned

But I was like, ah, she doesn't even know where I am

And who knows where she is in the world

And then a week later, I get a video, and she was scanning the LA skyline

Scanning the whole skyline, and then she slowly turns the camera

And she goes look -, she goes, "Getting close"

Yeah, and I said to the camera, "You fucking are, you're getting close. I live here"

And then everything switched up at that moment, and, and, that's when I, I was like I'm being stalked, I'm being hunted

I'm glad that you can laugh so-

I, I, honestly, I was so screwed up by it

And then I remember a couple of nights later, I, I had a night where I was just gonna come back to the place

And I was gonna like, you know, I'm gonna try to relax

I'm, I'm not doing any shows locally tonight

And I remember as I, uh, came up around the corner, I was just about to go into my garage and I see a car packed

Right in front of my house and I say it out loud to myself

I go, "That car doesn't belong in this neighbourhood

What is that, an '08?"

No, I knew it was her, and I was terrified so what did I do?

I drove into my garage, the fastest you can legally drive into your own garage

And then I ran up into the house

And I remember as I ran up, I checked the DMs and she was already sending me messages from outside of the house

She goes, "I saw you go in your fucking garage. You need to come outside right now. Bring me a banana"

Oh yeah, demanding fruit immediately

It's crazy, ugly lady

Then I have a camera at my front door, so I checked the screen

When I checked the screen, she was in the street

And she was walking back and forth, and she was staring up at my house like she wanted to fight my house

So, I'm, I'm kerfuffled as fuck, I don't know

You have to understand, I've never had anything like this happen to me

For the rest of the night, I was just so concerned, and I kept hoping she would just go away

Every time I looked out there, she was still there

Midnight, she's still there

Two in the morning, she's still there

I'm in bed, I can't sleep

I'm in the bed I keep checking the DMs and finally at 2:30 am, she sends me a video

So I hit play, and I turn it all the way down, she too close

And she's standing at my front door

She's standing with her back against my door

And she looks into the camera, and she said almost inaudible

It was so just the slightest half of a whisper, "You made me do this"

And then she looked a little closer and she shaved her fucking eyebrows off (ohh)

Both eyebrows, off, off

She looked like a fucking goose

Yeah, like a heinous goose, at my door

And I, I can't sleep

I slept like a little bit, and when I woke, woke up, I immediately looked at the camera

She's still outside

We're gonna call this part of the story "Day Two"

Day two, she's out there all day

And I'm like I, I didn't wanna leave

All of day two, my anxiety hits like I'm

I never had anything like this since I was maybe, like a kid

I was really scared, and yet at the same time, I was trying to keep myself busy

Because I wanted to check the DMs I kept like, I just wanted to know like what her mindset was

And so I check, and then I finally had to leave the phone

And just to go into another room to, you know, just have a sandwich

Or just you know, do something rudimentary

And then every once in a while, I'd hear her outside go, "Check your DMs!"

Yeah, so I would check my DMs, and so would you

If somebody bellowed, check your DMs, outside of your resident, you'd check your DMs, yes

All of day two, she's out there

Day three, I wake up

Still there

Call my friend who's a LAPD officer for 25 years

And I called him up, and I go, "Hey man, I, ay, this is, uh, really disconcerting

I've never, experienced anything like this

He goes, "Hold on Dane Cook, do this, ready?"

He goes, "Dane Cook, send me everything that she has sent you

Send me, uh, videos, screen captures, whatever it is, send it over"

So I did, I sent my cop friend everything she'd sent me

40 minutes later, he calls me back

Before I an even say "hello" he goes, "Hey, hey, hey, this is serious man"

And I said, "I know, that's why I reached out to you

That was, that was my notion, you're corroborating my ideas

I did the detective solulu thing on this end of the case, copy?"

He goes, "No, no, you don't realize man, this is really, really bad"

And I said, "Okay, well it doesn't feel right, but how do you know it's really, really, bad"

He goes, "How do I know?"

"She shaved her fucking eyebrows, that's how I know

I've been on the force 30 years, once they shave the eyebrows, that's it

That's the last bastion of humanity eyebrows"

"You got a gun?" I said, "I don't have a gun"

He goes, "You need a fucking gun kid"

He goes, "You need a gun"

And then now I'm freaked, I don't even know where to like, I, how

And I, so, I said to my cop friend, and there's a, a permit

And there's a waiting period

He goes, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, fuck all that

Get on the internet, there's a ten-gauge shotgun, you can have delivered to your house in five and half hours"

Yeah, I was like, "Send me the link, officer"

This is what he say, he goes, "Now listen"

He goes, "Now I want you to get this shotgun"

I'll never forget this and he goes, "I want you to follow my exact protocol

If you want this to go your way"

To which I reply, "I would like for this to go my way"

Can we just cover that aspect and maybe not look at the part where this doesn't go my way?"

He goes, "Let's say for the first scenario, this woman, this strange lady gets up on your property from the front"

He goes, "I want you to do this and I want you to do it exact

Stand in the doorway, about two and half feet in with the shotgun and I want you wait

And I want you to let her come towards you"

Fuck yeah, fuck no

I said, "What am I supposed to do in the interim?"

He goes, "If you forget everything else, I just want you to remember one thing

Watch her feet"

It's what the cop says, "Watch her feet"

I said, "Okay, I'll do that, but why am I going to-"

He goes, "It doesn't matter, just watch her feet

Every single time her feet takes a step, I just want you to watch her foot

I don't care if she's doing crazy impersonations

Whatever she's doing, whatever her antics are, I want you to watch her feet

Every time her foot takes a step, I want you to watch her that foot"

He goes, "Every time one of her feet touches one of the stairs on the porch, watch the foot touch the step

When she gets to the very top step of the porch, I want you to shoot her and fucking kill her

(What)

Yeah, and then he goes, "Are you listening?"

And I was like, "I am only fucking listening"

Am I listening?

No, you're on speaker phone, I'm making eggs benedict and I'm doing some salsa moves that I learned in eighth grade

No, I fucking dialed in officer, shoot to kill, uh-huh, copy

He goes, "Now this is the important part, right after you shoot her, before her body even hits the ground, Dane Cook

I want you to cock the gun again, and I want you to - shoot into the ceiling"

I said, "Shoot my own ceiling?"

He said, "Yes"

I go, "I'll do that, but why am I gonna do that?"

He said, "When the police gets there, tell 'em she came at you and you fired a warning shot

She kept coming, and you shot her, and killed her

L-A-P, motherfucking D, they're good at bad

15 days, yeah

15 days, she was outside of my house

You're probably wondering how was life like for you Dane Cook, in those 15 days

Man, I'll tell you a couple of things, I got very at driving in and out of my garage at high rates of speed

I'm like Olympic level ready, if that's ever, a competitive thing

I actually know how high the roofing level of my car is

And then I put a sticker right there, in the garage door

So, I didn't need for it to go all up

I could just fucking Batman in

And then I get in, I hit the door, and I watch it close

And you're scared because we've all seen the movies

Somebody slides under last minute

You're gonna die now

Just like this, close, close, close, close

You're cheering for a fucking door

Close, close, close, close

15 days

Day 15, I come up around this corner

I'm just about to boogie into the garage like I always did, and I looked over the car, gone

So I stopped, and I sat there for a second and I remember as I was, uh, sitting there

I thought to myself, maybe she moved

You know, maybe she's in a different vantage point looking at my property, which is sprawling

And, and so I closed the garage door, and I had to know

So I, I was driving around my neighbourhood

And I'm going block by block, and I'm basically stalking my stalker at this point

And I was like, "Where you at, baaby?"

And, and, and, uh, nothing, nothing

Can't find her

Then I finally came into the house, and checked the DMs

The DMs that had been so constant for that year

And then, of course, over, over the 15 days, nothing

Everything stopped day 15

And I remember I was in the house, and a couple of hours later, I looked at the screen thinking

She's gonna be back out there

I was like, she's gonna be back at her spot, is gonna go back into the whole thing

And when I looked out there, a couple of hours later, still not there

Later on that night, maybe eight o'clock

I walked over, not there

No DMs

And it was at that point that I remember I finally was like, "Where did she go?"

I mean I hate it when she was out there, but at least, I knew where she was

This was a new kind of terror that I was experiencing

Where'd you go?

And then a couple of hours later, I looked out there again

And I had another notion unexpectedly

I was like, "Hm, she's a quitter, I have no respect for quitters

What a fucking loser to quit"

And then I looked out at midnight, my ego got involved

Yeah, I got strangely insecure

I remember looking out there at midnight, having this revelation

I was like, "Oh, okay, ha-haa

Yeah, what, is she at Kevin Hart's house now?"

And then nothing, nothing

For the longest time

And what was so interesting about us being here and this moment that I wanted this special

She wrote me a little letter, I mean I thought

When I saw the d-, first of all when that she had DM'ed me

When I saw the DM, I was, uh, I was excited and terrified

And when I opened it up, I thought it was gonna be like another weird blurb

And then that was gonna turn into chaos, and she'd be back out there

But when I opened it up, it was a long message

And so I memorized it

Because, I wanted to tell you exactly what it said

And here's the letter she wrote to me a few weeks ago

It opens up, it says, "Um, Dane Cook"

It says um, "I felt a deep need, I felt a deep need to reach out to you and explain why I did what I did

I'm so truly embarrassed, but I felt you need, uh, an explanation"

Then she went on to say uh, "I'm a schizophrenic, I went off my medication

And as part of my spin, I attached myself to you, and the idea of being with you

She said in truth, "I'm a big fan, and I love your standup, and I've seen all your films, and in television

I hear you have a big dick"

Alright, I added that, I added that

Then she ended the letter by saying, "I wish you nothing but great success in all your future endeavours

Love and light, Janice

Love and light, Janice

You have to understand something, I did not expect closure with this situation

But in that moment, I felt such empathy, and I'm a sensitive guy, and I was almost immediately responding

Yeah, I know that sounds wild, but I was

I was just, uh, I was enthused for her, and in that moment, what was I saying?

I was throwing somethings on there and I was like

I was saying like I'm so glad that you caught this, and I'm sure that your family is happy

That you're healthy, and okay, and then I stopped myself, and I was like

Wait, I got a fucking gun

I planned a murder and how to get away with that murder, absolutely in my favour

So, this is what I did instead, and I think you're gonna appreciate this even more

I deleted everything I was gonna write to her, and all I did

I sent her a video of me eating almonds