Addicted

Feeling rejected Everyday I'd suppress it And I acted like somebody that nobody could mess with But I knew deep inside I had a void in my heart So then attention was a needle I put straight through my arm Felt like nobody liked me so then I needed to change Even though I was somebody that today I'd embrace I was nothing like the cool kids everybody was like But I think was too awkward for anyone in my sight I knew my parents loved me but they didn't love each other Fighting and fighting, I never knew what was a lover Then I remember seeing these knights in their shining armor And how a pretty lady would love them and they would conquer It became a fantasy, I became so amazed Spider-Man to the rescue, protecting his Mary Jane I wanted to be that and just like him be so brave So I figured that a girl would be the cure to my pain Every girl that I liked then would always push me way So the older I got, the more I started to crave The attention from a girl, I remember 5th grade When I attempted a backflip and I landed on my waist I didn't care cause at least I had got her to see me And know that's a good example of how others would treat me I would try to impress them and become all of their puppet And as much as it hurt me, a part of me really loved it And I never had a chance Feeling rejected Every day I'd suppress it Treated like a dog so eventually learned my lesson I started looking for ways to be improving myself And to stand out from the crowd and be like nobody else So I started lifting weights and I start to be looking clean Attention it brought me had only made me fiend So I'd want to be a man but didn't know what it means But I didn't really care as long I felt like a king Around the same time, my girl and I got together And me thinking so selfishly I thought it made life better And The longer we went on the more I felt all the pressure And I started to realize her attention was my pleasure I would drift away when I didn't feel her acceptance She wasn't who to blame, it was me that was feeling jealous Any guy she would talk to, I'd want to kill in her presence And then I would always lie and tell myself I'm protective Her affection was a drug and I felt I had to compete So no one stole it from me, I need it so I can breathe When looking back I see a kid that just had a need That almost led to losing his virginity at thirteen This void that was in me needed more than just a woman It needed something that deep down I knew that it shouldn't So I turned to lust, looking at women behind a screen Since they were the only ones that would satisfy all my dreams It was a nightly ritual, it was a constant habit Did it for several years, I didn't know how to manage My shame had only grown and eventually had enough And I yelled out to God to help me out of this rut So he did and I was free for a couple of months Till I trusted myself and felt right back into lust Sadly bringing someone with me, now I have to get up And I know I can knowing God's the one that I trust I gotta fix myself, I don't know if I really love you Or if I only love that I'm person that you run to Don't know if it's love or just the fact that I can touch you But I'm fighting this for you and that's the answer that I've come to I know that you love me so I'm trying my best To rekindle with the Lord and put my ego to rest I'm recovering, I promise, God will put this to death And I promise I'll keep fighting until my final breath