Hello, darling

It's me, your mother

You're in my belly right now

And sometimes you kick me

Isn't that precious?

Isn't that precious?

Hey, guess what?

I have no hands

Just kidding

I have hands, but I just can't use them

Not yet at least

But just as soon as the stitches heal

I had carpal tunnel, both hands

All those years in Lodi took their toll

Sixteen years I worked in the Sunshine Cupcake Factory

Pumping cream into those Ding-Dong knock-offs

Sixteen years of squeezing, squeezing, squeezing that goddamn cream gun

I should sue

I should sue

I tried actually, but they said I made the whole thing up

How crazy is that?

Why would I get operations on both hands if I did not need them?

Anyway, darling, I have things to tell you

And this video may be the only way to do it

Because, well

There's a high probability that I might be dead soon

So I won't be around when you're growing up

And this video is the only way for you to know who I was

And I want you to know who I was because

People are going to tell you things about me that just aren't true

Just aren't true

Just aren't true

But darling, you have to defend me

You have to tell them that I was a lovely person

Caring, and thoughtful

And funny

And that you have the tapes to prove it

It's them

The ones who are going to tell you lies about me

Don't believe a word they say, not a word

To be continued, goodbye, darling, Mommy loves you