Nothing To Chase

I always thought I'd be a mom before I turned thirty five Now I'm thirty four and I'm just struggling to stay alive I was hoping for a future I could really get behind I was making promises to all the rest of humankind Give me something to be hopeful for And I'll give you 9 months Of my body and my soul To build a thing I promise Will be capable of love But I worry that's no different than a sacrifice to gods Like ancient people did when they just needed a name And a rulebook for an ever changing, never ending game I always felt religion missed the point of the race But it's true sometimes this humanist has nothing to chase I can't offer half the things my parents could when I was young I was hoping I could make up for it with the things I've done Always wondering if I've done enough to earn the love I have Wondering if I could do half as good as did my mom and dad Bargaining for how I get to live The legacy of pain that bought my privilege Compels me to atone and use my gifts to give What I can to who's still here and try not to give in To voices that aren't mine telling me things that aren't true And a world that makes destructive choices so easy to choose But I wonder if I had a baby could I watch the news? 'Cause it's true sometimes this nurturer can't feel so confused And if I turn a corner, if I stop feeling insane Will I remain in touch with any wisdom from the pain? I'm scared of being healthy in this unhealthy terrain But it's true sometimes this weary soul needs rest from the shame I always thought I'd be a mom before I turned 35 I still feel like it's a thing I'd like to do before I die Burdened with a sense that I can do it all and then some more Seems I just can't shake the feeling my dreams are worth fighting for All we are is what we do and I Know that I have done my best I've really fucking tried To juice this life of lessons To squeeze out every drop To strain out all the bullshit And drink a couple shots So I can feel a buzz while I try to work the room As a socially acceptable eccentric little muse But I know that soon I'll have to learn some chords besides the blues 'Cause it's true sometimes this songwriter wants Something to lose To lose To lose I always thought I'd be a mom before I turned 35