The Tale of the Oyster

Down by the sea lived a lonesome oyster,

Every day getting sadder and moister.

He found his home life awfully wet

And longed to travel with the upper set.

Poor little oyster!

Fate was kind to that oyster, we know,

When one day the chef from the Park Casino

Saw that oyster lying there

And said, ‘I’ll put you on my bill of fare.’

Lucky little oyster!

See him on his silver platter

Watching the queens of fashion chatter,

Hearing the wives of millionaires

Discuss their marriages and their love affairs.

Thrilled little oyster!

See that bivalve social climber

Feeding the rich Mrs Hoggenheimer:

Think of his joy as he gaily glides

Down to the middle of her gilded insides.

Proud little oyster!

After lunch Mrs H complains.

She says to her hostess, ‘I’ve got such pains!

I came to town on my yacht today,

But I think I’d better hurry back to Oyster Bay.’

Scared little oyster!

Off they go through the troubled tide,

The yacht rolling madly from side to side.

They’re tossed about till that poor young oyster

Finds that it’s time he should quit his cloister.

Up comes the oyster!

Back once more where he started from,

He murmured, ‘I haven’t a single qualm,

For I’ve had a taste of society,

And society has had a taste of me.’

Wise little oyster!