Everyone, I just don't know why I'm singing you this song

God knows that I wouldn't hurt a fly and I never would do you wrong

But society keeps telling me I simply don't fit in

I wasn't, you see, cut out to be a respectable citizen

At balls and dinner parties, I'm always the only one

Who's quite unable to make polite conversation

My questions are too simple to be misunderstood

Like "What's your name?", "Do you smoke

A pipe?" or "Do you believe in God?"

Not to be sensible is a sin that's reprehensible

And that is why they say that I am not respectable

Mr. Jones, I'll make no bones, please listen to my plea

I love your daughter Sally and I'm sure that she loves me

And if you agree I think that we should very soon be wed

I promise to love and honour her until the day I'm dead

"This marriage" said he "is a certainty

Provided you can guarantee to give your wife an easy life

And lots of security"

Now in truth I was unable to fulfil this demand

And straightway was the victim of a severe reprimand

And as he took his shotgun from off the kitchen wall

I quickly beat a swift retreat and vanished down the hall

The next night as I lay and cried, Sally came to my bedside

And now I'm guilty, as you see, of immorality

Well, one fine day I'll make my way to 10 Downing Street

"Good day" I'll say "I've come a long way, excuse my naked feet

But I lack, you see, the energy to buy a pair of shoes

I lose the zest to look my best when I read the Daily News

'Cause it appears you've got an atom bomb

That'll blow us all to Hell and gone

If I've got to die, then why should

I give a damn if my boots aren't on?"

Three cheers for the army and all the boys in blue

Three cheers for the scientists and politicians too

Three cheers for the future years when we shall surely reap

All the joys of living on a nuclear rubbish heap

I would fight quite willingly in the forces of Her Majesty

But not at the price of sacrificing all of humanity

When Adam loved Eve they said that he was very much to blame

But if it had been me beneath that tree I would have done the same

Psychiatrists always insist there's something wrong with me

My eyes won't rest on a woman's breast with equanimity

Forgive me madam if I stare, but I love the colour of your hair

My soul is quite out of control, my heart beyond repair

Now the vicar and congregation of the local parish church

Show an inclination to leave me in the lurch

Ever since at Sunday School I couldn't tell right from wrong

And rated higher than the Book of Isaiah or the Song of Solomon

I know that I didn't ought to fall in love with the vicar's daughter

Now that she has wounded me for all eternity

My song is done, there's only one more thing for me to say

Forgive me if I've bored you stiff, I'll soon be on my way

For by and by I'll have to die and leave the things I love

And in disgrace come face to face with the good Lord up above

Who knows if he won't punish me with a million years of purgatory

For blasphemy, impurity and general insanity

But when amongst the angels we come to take our place

I hope you will not think it too much of a disgrace

If I present to God on high a humble offering

Of twenty years of sweat and tears and the songs I love to sing

And if in Heaven it should prove true that God likes the musicians too

We'll sing and play and dance all day and no-one there will say us nay

And all our troubles will melt away, we'll never again be blue