Dolemite

Ladies and gentlemen Here he is The "now" comedian For the "now" generation Mister Rudy Ray Moore And I ain't lyin' either! Some folks say that Willie Green Was the baddest motherfucker the world ever seen But I want you to light you up a joint and take a real good shit And screw your wig on tight And let me tell you about the little bad motherfucker called Dolemite Now Dolemite was from San Antonio A ramblin', scramblin', gamblin' lil' young motherfucker from the day he was born Why, the day he was dropped from his mommy's ass He slapped his papa's face and said "From now on, cocksucker, I'm runnin' this place!" At the age of one He was drinkin' whiskey and gin At the age of ten he was eating the bottles they came in Now Dolemite had an uncle called Sudden Death Killed a dozen bad men from the smell of his breath When his uncle heard how Dolemite was treatin' his own ma and pa He said, "Let me go and check this lil' bad rascal before he go too far" Now one cold dark December night His uncle broke in on Dolemite Now Dolemite wasn't no more than three or four When his uncle come breaking through the door His uncle said, "Dolemite, said I want you to straighten up And treat yo' brother right, 'cause if you keep on with your dirty mistreatin' I'm gon' whoop your ass till your heart stop beatin'" Dolemite sittin' in the middle of the floor playin' He said, "I see your lips quiverin' unc', but I don't hear a cocksuckin' word you're sayin'" This made his uncle mad He let off with wrath that made lightning flash But Dolemite tore his leg off, he was that damn fast Now the men of San Antonio gathered around that night To see if they could do something about the little bad rascal called Dolemite It took a hundred of the baddest, the boldest, the ugliest men in town To finally roll Dolemite's ass down, and put him in jail They held him without bail If you think his mami was happy, you should have seen his papi Now it's been eight long years since Dolemite's been fed The average motherfucker woulda long, long been dead Now the Warden called Dolemite, said, "Dolemite I'ma gon' tell you what we gon' do We gon' give you a dollar and a half and a damn good knee up If you promise to leave us alone and get your bad ass out of San Antonio" Dolemite took the dollar and a half and the damn good knee up And said, "I'm gon' tell you old, jarred, moulded, ancient, decrepit motherfuckers how I feel Said, "Y'all can suck my dick, nuts and ass down to the motherfuckin' bone Because I ain't never comin' back to San Antonio" Now Dolemite weren't no more than thirteen, when they let him out the cage He said, "I'll thank the poor cross sea and try my fate" He got a job in Africa kickin' lions in their ass to stay in shape He got run out of South America for fuckin' steers He fucked a she-elephant till she broke down in tears Now Dolemite worked for five years and a day, got his pay Said, "Well, I'll leave, I'll go back to that jive-ass U.S.A" Where the news of the heavyweight fight was bein' broadcast that night And a special bulletin, said, "Look out, storms, atomic bombs, and Dolemite" Now the first thing Dolemite encountered, was two big Rocky Mountains He said, "Now, what y'all gon' do?" They said, "We gon' part, Mr. Dolomite, and let yo' bad ass through" Now Dolemite went on down to Kansas city Chicken asses till both shoes were shitty Hobo'd in desire Who did he run into but that badass, two gun Pete? He said, "Move over, and let me pass 'Fore they have to pull these triple A's out your motherfuckin' ass" Went on down to 42nd Street Looked, but no shit, but someplace he could sleep and eat Run in to that shy neighbour, of all the hoes, she was the boss She'd suck ya, fuck ya, and jack ya off She said, "Come on down to my bed, Dolemite" Said, "We gon' fuckin' fight till broad daylight" Dolemite said, "Bitch, I had a job in Africa Kickin' lions in their ass to stay in shape So then I got run out of South America for fuckin' steers So then I fucked a she-elephant till she broke down in tears" Mabel said, "I don't care where you goin' and where you been Said, "I plan to wrap this good hot juicy pussy all around your badass chin" Dolemite said, "Bitch, it's best you not fuck with me" Said, "I better run you down some of my pedigree So that's when they crossed muddy rivers that ain't never got wet Mountains this fellow, old man ain't dead yet I fucked an elephant and dad and her mother I can look up a bull's ass and tell you the price of butt I fucked another elephant down to a coon Even fucked the same damn cow that jumped over the motherfuckin' moon So I rode across the ocean on the head of my dick And ate nine tonnes of catshit and ain't never got sick And you talk about wrapping your hot juicy pussy all around my badass chin Bitch! You oughta be blowin' up my ass tryna be my motherfuckin' friend" Oh, but Mabel bought it That's when the fuckin' started She made her pussy do the mojo, the popcorn, the turkey, and the grime Left Dolemite's ass nine strokes behind She threw pussy up Dolemite's back, come out of his ears, down his side Run out of his bonded Damn near pulled his asshole outta the sucker But Dolemite suddenly made a mojo turn Had the crabs around that bitches asshole, hollerin', "Burn, baby, burn!" But the next mornin' they found Mabel dead With her jaws wrapped around a nappy ass head And the crabs was madder than a motherfucker To see Dolemite eat 'em out of they goddamn supper But Dolemite kept on kickin' asses and fuckin' up in the fold Till finally his roll was called They had his viewing Carried him down to the graveyard Dolemite was dead But his dick was still hard The preacher said, "Ashes to ashes And dust to dust Said I'm glad This little bad motherfucker called Dolemite Is no longer here with us, bye bye"