I'm an Ordinary Man

I find the moment I let any woman make friends with me She becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damned nuisance And I find that the moment that I make friends with a woman I become selfish and tyrannical So here I am, a confirmed old bachelor, and likely to remain so After all, Pickering I'm an ordinary man Who desires nothing more than just an ordinary chance To live exactly as he likes, and do precisely what he wants An average man am I Of no eccentric whim Who likes to live his life, free of strife Doing whatever he thinks is best for him Just an ordinary man But, let a woman in your life And your serenity is through She'll redecorate your home From the cellar to the dome Then go to the enthralling fun of overhauling you Oh, let a woman in your life And you're up against a wall Make a plan and you will find She has something else in mind And so rather than do either You do something else that neither likes at all You want to talk of Keats or Milton She only wants to talk of love You go to see a play or ballet And spend it searching for her glove Oh, let a woman in your life And you invite eternal strife Let them buy their wedding bands For those anxious little hands I'd be equally as willing for a dentist to be drilling Than to ever let a woman in my life I'm a very gentle man Even-tempered and good-natured Whom you never hear complain Who has the milk of human kindness by the quart in every vein A patient man am I Down to my fingertips The sort who never could, ever would Let an insulting remark escape his lips Just a very gentle man But, let a woman in your life And patience hasn't got a chance She will beg you for advice Your reply will be concise And she'll listen very nicely Then go out and do precisely what she wants! You are a man of grace and polish Who never spoke above a hush Now all at once you're using language That would make a sailor blush Oh, let a woman in your life And you're plunging in a knife Let the others of my sex Tie the knot around their necks I'd prefer a new edition of the Spanish Inquisition Than to ever let a woman in my life I'm a quiet living man Who prefers to spend the evenings In the silence of his room Who likes an atmosphere as restful As an undiscovered tomb A pensive man am I Of philosophic joys Who likes to meditate, comtemplate Free from humanity's mad inhuman noise Just a quiet living man But, let a woman in your life And your sabbatical is through In a line that never ends Come an army of her friends Come to jabber, and to chatter And to tell her what the matter is with you! She'll have a booming boisterous family Who will descend on you en mass She'll have a large wagnerian mother With a voice that shatters glass Oh, let a woman in your life Let a woman in your life Let a woman in your life I shall never let a woman in my life