Manspreading

Remember when manspreading was a thing? Manspreading is when a guy sits on the subway with his legs open like this. That is an annoying thing, that's annoying, I'll agree with you. It's not a fucking cause. Just say, excuse me, say excuse me. Be a little tough and I know as a guy, no guy sits this way because he hates women. We sit this way because there's a change purse between our legs, that sweats on its own schedule. And we've been really good about ball sweat our whole lives. You don't even know what we've been doing. I've been doing this move my whole fucking life.

Some of you don't even know what the fuck I'm doing. I've been doing this move my whole fucking life. I've been adjusting my balls with no hands, for you. I've been a gentleman magician my whole life and then the five seconds we open those bad boys up you're like, "I got a cause." And if women had balls, you wouldn't be as quiet. I've dated enough girls to know that every time you sweat, you announce it like it's a Broadway musical, "I am sweating, quite literally dripping." If women had balls, they'd be lying on the street, "Go without me. My lady balls are sweating. Go to the restaurant, but don't sit down."

It's going to get worse, that's the thing. Don't have a shitty cause because then it has to become a shittier fucking cause and people vote against you. 10 years from now there'll be a sign at the park with a dude and an outline with a line going through it. And I'll be walking around like this and you'll be like, "Where are you going?" I'll be like, "Oh, I'm going to the ball adjustment zone over there." And you'll look in the corner of the park, there'll be just 10 dudes raking at their nuts and your kid's going to go, "Mommy, why are all those men touching themselves?" "10 years ago, women couldn't say, excuse me, on the subway. So we had to create sections for men to untape their balls from their legs. Yeah, I don't like it either. I hope president Bieber takes care of this."