Clubs Glorious Clubs

When did we meet again?

Oh come on, you remember. It was freshers week. At that two-thousands, throwback club night

Ohhh yeah, what was it called?

Noughties but nice!

Classic

Yep and you were both giving the most intense vibes in the world

What? No we weren’t

Yeah I remember that evening, we were so cool and chill

I hate to have to do this but, don’t you remember…

You were in the corner, you wanted to get with that guy

I wanted him cos he was so dreamy

He wanted someone, I wanted it to be me

You were at the back and stood chatting to someone nearby

He wanted me, it was kinda excessive

Coming on strong and a little obsessive

Yours tries to move on and I can tell you wanna make him jealous

Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen, that’s how you do it

Yours gets his groove on and I can see you wanna get to freedom

It’s a no, gotta show him I’m not into it

I look up slowly

To the first person I see

I know what I must do somehow

Hear the beating of my heart

The crowd of dancers part

This is gonna happen now

Right there in the middle of the dancefloor

Right where everybody in the club saw

No more words

Came forwards

And S N O double G E D

(THEY SNOGGED!)

All the people looking on with envy

(SNOGGED!)

All the boys and the girls and the NBs

(SNOGGED!)

It was mission

Accomplished when we

S N O double G E D

S N O double G E D

S N O double G E D

Yes, S N O double G E D

S N O double G E D

*breathe breathe breathe*

So… I think your memories are selective

This is what happened from my perspective….

I was in the corner, I wanted to get with that guy

Who all night long you’d been pretty much stalking

You’d cornered him and you wouldn’t stop talking

                

I was at the back and stood chatting to someone nearby

Who seemed like a sweet guy making conversation

You were acting like he was a rabid Alsatian

Mine tried to move on and I thought “well, I’ve gotta make him jealous”

He went back to his friends - you started crying

Mine got his groove on and I could see I had to get to freedom

Never seen so much sweat - I thought you were dying

Though you could barely see

You looked round desperately

To find someone as trashed as you

You staggered, bleary-eyed

You pushed people aside

And I thought who the hell are these two?

Right there in the middle of the dancefloor

Right where everybody in the club saw

We went silent

As you violently

S N O double G E D

(WE SNOGGED!)

So performative and weird

Everyone in the vicinity cleared

So messy

And depressing when you

S N O double G E D

Used a queer to seduce a straight guy

Used a woman to avoid a great guy

On the fence of

Offensive when you

S N O double G E D

S N O double G E D

S N O double G E D

Yes, S N O double G E D

S N O double G E D

*breathe breathe breathe*

Is he watching?

Yes

Does he look jealous?

...yes?

So yeah, when I’d seen what you two did

That was the moment I concluded

“Think I’ll keep them as just friends

Cos something’s going on and it’s pretty intense”

To be fair now I’m looking back with fresh eyes

I think I’m gonna die of shame

Likewise!

But I saw you chatting to your boys later that night

So I guess it all worked out?

Yeah not quite…

Can I add you on Facebook?

Who uses facebook anymore? It’s all about vine.

Okay see you around!

Can I get your number?

Er listen my phone broke when I was doing the ice bucket challenge so… see you around!

Sooo….. Heyyy…

Heyyy

I think everyone I came with has left

Oh, I’m here with the LGBT soc! Come hang with us if you want!

Really?

Consider yourself part of the family

I’m taking to you so strong

It’s clear

We’re

Going to get along

Wait sorry, am I in the presence of another Oliver Exclamation Mark superfan??

Oh it’s only my favourite musical of all time ever!!!!

Okay so I actually downloaded the torrent from pirate bay earlier this evening. I don’t suppose you want to go back to mine and watch Oliver Exclamation Mark with me?

Never before has a boy asked me to do that, I’d love to!

Yay! Let’s go!

...AND THEN WE FUCKED!

        

Right there, yeah, the two of us screwed!

Right after Food Glorious Food

WHAT?

Bent over

The sofa

And F U C K E D

Yeah, WE FUCKED!!!!

No, we didn’t actually, that’s a lie

Obviously