Pregnancy Photo Shoots

The only reason I wanted to lose weight, and I can tell you this right now, and you might relate. You ever been tagged in a Facebook picture that made you want to leave the country? And let's be honest about these pictures. These people posting these pictures are not your friend. They are your foe. They made a decision. They saw a picture where they were like, "Ooh, I look good." And then they saw you, and they were like, "Uh-oh." Then they were like, "Guess it's my day, bitch," and then posted that shit.

I'll never forget the picture. Group picture, usually a group picture. You stand with your arms around each other, like this. I was with two taller people, so I am literally like this. As if that's how I like posing for pictures, as if I'm like, "Oh, it's picture time? Hold on, let me do the position I like doing. No, lower the camera. I want seven chins." I should have sent it back. Women send that shit the fuck back. That's not very masculine. "Take it again." I can't even say that without doing that with my hand, "Take it again." I turn into the red dress emoji every... "Take it again."

Women send that shit the fuck back. You ever take a picture of a group of women? It's not fun. It's not fun. It's not fun. You guys are relentless. I took a picture of 10 women. I gave one of the girls her phone back. She looked at it. She goes, "What the fuck is this?" Then she looks at all her friends and goes, "Look what he thinks we look like." It felt like the Salem witch trials, and I was the witch on trial, just like, "He makes us see the face we don't want to see. These are not our chins. These are not our arms. This is witchery."

Then she gives me back the phone. She goes, "Take it again." Now I work for her, somehow. I don't remember that meeting I had with HR, where I signed W-4s. I don't remember that. Then, this is when it really bothered me. She wanted me to stand on an ottoman. It infuriates me how little this shocked the women in the front. Stand on an ottoman, a structure? Are you fucking kidding me?

I would never date this chick in my life. What are you going to do, walk around with a fucking ottoman all day long? "Yeah, I'm Jessica's boyfriend. I brought the ottoman, in case any picture opportunities come up. Yeah, if you guys start laughing in a vineyard, it's ottoman time, baby. If there's a fun painting on a brick wall in a gentrified neighborhood, ottoman." Every woman in here would risk a man's life for a better angle. I could be on the edge of a cliff, she'd be going, "Move back." I'd be like, "There's a cliff back here." "Jump off the cliff, take it in midair, throw me back the phone, catch a branch on the way down, then get up the mountain, because we want Lauren's camera another angle."

And the pictures keep getting weirder. Don't they get weirder? They're getting bizarre. The pregnancy photo shoot? Are you fucking kidding me? In a meadow? And I'm going to make fun of the pregnancy photo shoot, because I don't give a fuck. Fuck off, okay? People get mad, because they're like, "Well, it's a mother." Yeah, that mother's an asshole, okay? None of our moms did that picture. That's how I know they're assholes. There's not years of doing this. I didn't have sleepovers growing up, and have a friend come over, and just show him above the mantle, my mom in a fucking meadow. "This is Mother Earth. Every morning, we pray to it for Dunk-a-roos."

What the fuck is this picture? Why is she holding her stomach? It holds itself up, right? There's no need to hold it. I don't see the dude in the picture holding his balls. And why is it sexualized? This is a pregnancy picture, and she's looking like she wants to fuck everyone that isn't her husband. And the husband makes it look even weirder, because he looks doofy, and sweaty, and gross. Sometimes, he'll be pointing like, "I made it with my pee-pee."

This isn't the end. It's going to get worse. If you don't think menopausal photo shoots are coming, you're out of your fucking mind. They're coming. This isn't crazy, a woman with a fridge open, looking all fuckable, another one with a fan over her head, another one whipping around a tampon like, "It's over, boys."