Master of the House

My band of soaks, my den of dissolutes

My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts

My sons of whores (No, no, no, no, no, not tonight) Spend their lives in my inn

Homin' pigeons homin' in

They fly through my doors

And they crawl out on all fours

Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down

And meet the best innkeeper in town

As for the rest, all of them crooks

Rooking the guests and cooking the books

Seldom do you see honest men like me

A gent of good intent who's content to be

Master of the house, doling out the charm

Ready with a handshake and an open palm

Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir

Customers appreciate a bon-viveur

Glad to do a friend a favor

Doesn't cost me to be nice

But nothing gets you nothing

Everything has got a little price

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo

Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two

Watering the wine, making up the weight

Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight

Everybody loves a landlord

Everybody's bosom friend

I do whatever pleases

Jesus, won't I bleed 'em in the end

Master of the house, quick to catch your eye

Never was a passerby to pass him by

Servant to the poor, butler to the great

Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate

Everybody's boon companion

Everybody's chaperone

But lock up your valises

Jesus, when I skin you to the bone

Food beyond compare, food beyond belief

Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef

Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat

Filling up the sausages with this and that

Residents are more than welcome

Bridal suite is occupied, reasonable charges

Plus, some little extras on the side (Oh, Santa)

Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice

Two percent for looking in the mirror twice, hand it over

Here a little slice, there a little cut

Three percent for sleeping with the window shut

When it comes to fixing prices

There are a lot of tricks I knows

How it all increases, all those bits and pieces

Jesus, it's amazing how it grows

I used to dream that I would meet a prince

But, God almighty, have you seen what's happened since?

Master of the house isn't worth my spit

Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong shit

Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire

Thinks he's quite a lover, but there's not much there

What a cruel trick of nature, landed me with such a louse

God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house

(Master of the house) Master and a half

(Comforter, philosopher) Don't make me laugh

(Servant to the poor, butler to the great)

Hypocrite and toady and inebriate

Everybody bless the landlord

Everybody bless his spouse

Everybody raise a glass

Raise it up the master's ass

Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house